Engagement Is A Two-Way Effort

Not much new to say here except that if you want interaction with someone or some activity, it will require engagement.  By definition, engagement means interaction and involvement, which, of course, means taking part.  When you take part in something, you are engaged, involved.

There is a school of thought that suggests a person only has to do his/her personal inner work in order for relationships—with people or activities—to work out for the best.  In other words, it doesn’t make any difference what others do in that relationship or activity.  I am here to dispute this.  It DOES make a difference if others in a relationship or activity also DO something that shows their involvement.  All parties need to be engaged if a relationship or activity is to be resolved to the benefit of each of those parties.

You can do your work on your own.  You can gain a measure of satisfaction as you do your own work.  You can feel resolved.  However, a relationship involves more than one party, so it requires all parties to be actively engaged in securing the best possible outcome for each person.  The same is true for any activity involving more than one person.

You cannot make someone else engage.  When the other party or parties do not choose to engage, one of two things happens.  Either, it becomes clear that the relationship no longer exists in actual terms, so you turn your attention to releasing the other party.  Or, you hold fast to your work lovingly embracing the other party until such time as a light begins to dawn in his/her own mind and heart. That can lead to reaching back regardless of whatever risk one may feel.

In his book, “Anger,” Thich Nhat Hanh uses an example of a parent/child relationship to illustrate engagement.

My dear child, I know you suffer a lot.  For many years, you have suffered a lot.  When you suffer, I suffer, too.  How can I be happy when my child suffers? So I recognize that both you and I suffer.  Can we do something about it?  Can we come together and search for a solution?  Can we talk?  I really want to restore communication, but alone, I cannot do much.  I need your help. 

It is often a risk to reach out to another person with whom there has been a long-standing separation due to disagreements or other issues.  For satisfactory resolution for each party, sooner or later that risk may need to be taken.

The bottom line:  ENGAGEMENT IS A TWO-WAY EFFORT ultimately.  Until a way for engagement occurs, hold fast to your love and your dream of healing and happiness.  You will always benefit from your effort.

On Mothers And More

I have not written an article for my LifeCentering blog for some time now.  In fact, on several occasions I have felt I should write one indicating it was the “last word.”  Obviously, the last word has not been written—yet.

I am writing this on Mothers’ Day 2016, and my heart is filled with the emotions of memories of my Mom.  She made her transition one month short of her 100^th birthday in 2002.  However, it is not simply memories of her that sparked this article.

For many, memories of our loved ones who have gone beyond our physical site are often tinged with thoughts of things we might have done differently regarding our interactions.  Sadly, these retrospectives can tend to leave us feeling we did not do enough, or that “unfinished” business should have been taken care of before they left.

Today, I find myself thinking of current situations in the lives of others I know for whom I am aware there is “unfinished” business that it would be well to take care of while it is still possible to do so.  Back in November 2014 I wrote an article detailing how I had waited too long to make amends to my sister for a misunderstanding that we had. See the article here:

http://lifecentering.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2014-12-19T15:00:00-08:00&max-results=5

It is often very difficult, especially after much time has passed, to make amends to someone we may have offended or hurt in some manner.  Let me assure you the difficulty one faces when the amends are NOT made in time is much worse to deal with emotionally.  There is a good reason Twelve Step Support groups emphasize the importance of making amends (Step Nine).  It is the step that offers an opportunity to become resolved about past actions that have been hurtful or limiting in some way to others.  When we move toward reconciliation we are saying, “My life is not fully in order as long as I have not forgiven others or asked forgiveness from them.”  Further, it brings us clearly face to face with what stands in the way of our healing and happiness.  Our action in making amends is what is important.  What the person to whom we offer our amends does is not our business.  Our business is taking care of OUR actions and freeing ourselves of the burden of regret and perhaps even shame.

So, on this Mothers’ Day I hope all of us who are reminiscing about our mothers will use the time to celebrate all they have done for us.  And should there happen to be some bit of unfinished business in the relationship, now is the time to do what you can to resolve it.  Free yourself and your mother (or whomever else may need it) from anything that stands in the way of healing.  Bless you, Mother!

Moving Beyond the Hurt

One of the possibilities that occur in relationships is that we will experience hurt.  For some hurt comes early in life as a result of uncaring or immature parenting.  For others hurt may come from the breakup of a first love.  Then there are those of us who seem bent on creating circumstances that can have no outcome other than being deeply hurt and scarred for life. 

Mark Nepo, in “The Book of Awakening,” suggests that there are many ways in which we may discover how to get beyond a hurtful experience.  He says that like a radio that can only receive one station at a time, we may think there is only one way to resolve a difficult relationship.  In reality there are many stations being broadcast at the same time, but we choose the one we are listening to.  Further he states:

“. . . compassion is a deeper thing that waits beyond the tension of choosing sides (choosing a station).  Compassion, in practice, does not require us to give up the truth of what we feel or the truth of our reality.  Nor does it allow us to minimize the humanity of those who hurt us.  Rather, we are asked to know ourselves enough that we can stay open to the truth of others, even when their truth or their inability to live up to their truth has hurt us.”

As a principle of faith, I accept that feeling hurt is a choice I make in how I respond to a hurtful experience with another person.  The fact is, in such a situation we are in pain.  We will stay in that pain until we decide we have had enough it and move on.  Life does not consist only of that particular hurtful experience for any of us.  It is up to us to decide that there are other parts of our life that we can pay attention to that will allow us a momentary change of perspective.  If, in that more serene moment, we can focus our attention on the power of compassion, we will find that we have changed the station to which we are listening.  We hear life in a different way and our pain will recede.

Compassion takes us to another level of our experience of relationship.  It does not take sides in the issue.  Rather we are then in a position to reaffirm our truth and our reality while at the same time recognizing there is a truth the other person is attempting to express.  Life does not require that we all share the same truth.  In fact, individuality requires of us a separate but equal reality.  It is when we judge what the “equal” notion should be that we get into trouble.  We have an equal right to see our reality in our own way and to live with the consequences.

Moving past the hurt will eventually require of us some action.  Hurt does not go away by ignoring it.  It simply falls into the deeper recesses of our consciousness.  That is why some situation from our past may suddenly surface for seemingly no reason.  A current event is like the straw that breaks the camel’s back.  That has happened to me, as I am sure it has for others.  I felt that was what surfaced for a friend when I attempted to share the excitement about an experience I was having.  The truth of my experience as I saw it was one thing.  The truth of the other person clearly saw something quite different.  I was staggered at first and my own past hurts began to surface with the accompanying anger.  At first it was easy to blame my feelings on the action of the other person.  Fortunately, I did not respond out of the environment of the now surfaced anger.  Instead, through working with the facets of the relationship in my mind and heart I found the compassion Mark Nepo wrote about.  The anger was the first to go after that.  Then I realized I had no reason to be hurt.  The truth of my experience was still real, still true.  I was able to return to the joy and satisfaction of my life.

It is not always easy to let go of the things that we feel have produced hurt in our lives.  The choice is ours whether we let go or not.  No matter how remote some of those other stations are that are broadcasting, we owe it to ourselves to search for them.  Tune into the one(s) that bring you to those peaceful moments where you can see things more clearly and resolve any issue that has produced hurt.

 

Rearranging Life

 

I was in the process of rearranging the furniture in my second bedroom/office (yes, already after so soon getting settled!), and in the process, spilled contents of my letter trays where I kept correspondence, bills and other items not ready for filing.  It was then I realized an additional reason why I had begun this rearranging. Here is what I discovered.

In going through the correspondence folder I came across several greeting cards I had received in the past and had wanted to save.  I also found a number of photos (grand children); articles I had saved and some pictures I had saved from years ago that had been placed under the glass top to my office desk.  I managed to sort these various items out and saved most all of them again.

It was lunchtime when I got through with the arranging and after lunch I sat down to read.  While I was reading I found myself thinking back to the greeting cards I had discovered.  There was a get well card from members of my Ageless Conditioning class following my heart surgery several years ago.  There was a Christmas card from my good friends from back in the Whole Life Learning Center days in Colorado, the Ebrights, telling me of Jack’s hip replacement surgery done on my birthday and telling me I was an inspiration to him.  Finally, there were Father’s Day cards from family members.

I realized how valuable the sentiments shared in the cards were to me.  A couple of years ago I had gone through my files that contained years of cards from close friends and loved ones.  I had cards from my son and daughter that went back to the time they first were able to scribble their names.  These were so precious and re-reading them reminded me of the love that transcends everything.  As difficult as it was I had to let the cards go, but before I did, I scanned many of them into my computer.

I guess the point of all this is that if or when we begin to take our loved ones and friends for granted, it is wonderful to have those greeting cards to look at again.  It true that some connections remain stronger than some others.  Never the less the special people whose paths have joined with us from time to time leave marks on our consciousness forever.  To be reminded of our shared caring can strengthen our resolve to continue to care, to love and to respect each other more deeply.

So, it was a fruitful morning for me.  Once again my “re-arranging” brought clearer insight about important relationships. 

Saying Yes When I Mean No

 

It seems so much easier to just say “Yes” to someone or some thing than to risk disappointing or upsetting that person.  But when we really mean “No,” and still say “Yes,” everyone ultimately ends up disappointed and we, especially, feel we have broken some cardinal rule by not going along.  Subsequently, we may develop feelings of guilt.

Much of the confusion that arises when we develop a habit of not responding in a manner that reflects our honest desire is due to the sets of expectations we hold in mind.  We have certain expectations of ourselves, sometimes without realizing we do.  We expect to be a good person, to respect others, to want to be there for them.  Failing, in our mind, to honor these expectations can make us feel unworthy or can lead us to fear we will not be loved.

It is also true that others have expectations that may or may not be obvious to them or to us as we interact with them.  Without saying so clearly a person may harbor an expectation that we will take some action or perform some act that they think they need us to do for them.  It is clear how the unspoken expectation can lead to disappointment and perhaps even more serious frustration that damages the relationship.

In The Book of Awakening the author, Mark Nepo, writes of this conflict:

And how many times, once trained in self-sacrifice, do we have the opposite conversation with ourselves; our passion for life saying yes, yes, yes, and our practical guardedness saying, don’t be foolish, be realistic, don’t leave yourself unprotected.  But long enough on the journey, and we come to realize an even deeper aspect of all this:  that those who truly love us will never knowingly ask us to be other than we are.

The unwavering truth is that when we agree to any demand, request, or condition that is contrary to our soul’s nature, the cost is that precious life force is drained off our core.  Despite the seeming rewards of compliance, our souls grow weary by engaging in activities that are inherently against their nature.

He also mentioned how he realized his first marriage was a case of saying yes when he meant no.  Especially when we are young, having been brought up to think and act in a certain way, we may confuse doing the “right” thing for someone else with the “wrong” thing for ourselves.  Until we recognize the need to be true to ourselves, we will fail at being true to others.  More importantly, we will fail to find the happiness and fulfillment that we seek.

Then there is the whole issue of doing things we believe will earn the love of someone important in our lives.  Love does not exist because you do or do not do something for that person.  Our love for someone cannot depend upon them changing to more closely reflect our expectations for them.  Either we love freely because we love, or there is something else going on in the relationship.

To do something someone else, a family member or friend, wants us to do when we honestly feel it is not something we want to do, can leave us feeling that we will lose their love or acceptance.  This is a strong inhibitor that can prevent us from clearly communicating why we choose to not comply. 

Expectations are often dressed up as “should.”  It is almost an absolute rule of thumb that the minute the word “should” is attached to a request or an action, we must step back and clearly consider the more subtle elements of such a request or action.  Are we doing it only because we were taught that we “should” do it?  Each of us must ask and answer this question for ourselves, but it awaits our consideration.

Most of us are familiar with the words of John Lydgate and adapted by Lincoln: 

You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

Expectations and shoulds are part of the problem that comes of saying yes when you really mean no.  Say what you mean and mean what you say!  This may not prevent every problem we have in our relationships or in our goals in life, but it will certainly free us from many of them.

Running With Wild Women!

Okay, okay, so it’s just a catchy title that I hope will interest you enough to read on a bit.  However, this is about what some would consider as wild women!

In recent years I have read several books that especially interested me.  Both were written by, for and/or about women.  The first book was Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD (Ballantine Books).  It is about the myths and stories of the wild woman archetype and was so interesting to me that I have probably at least 50 pages flagged and I made copious notes that practically amounted to another book.  In its over 500 pages I gained wonderful insights to the feminine nature and the quest for meaning and empowerment.  This was important to me because I have felt the strong feminine in myself through the years.  Sometimes it expresses as the tender, loving nature that is so nurturing in its expression.  Other times what I experience is the intuitive and mystical aspect that so symbolizes women to me.

The other book that I just finished is Wild: From Lost to Found On the Pacific Crest Trail, by Cheryl Strayed (Knopf).  This book is also about finding one’s self, particularly as a woman.  This local Portland author set out alone to hike the Pacific Crest Trail which she describes as, “A world that measures two feet wide by 2663 miles long,” stretching from the Mexican border on the south to Canada on the north.

Her almost unbelievable journey would test the endurance and resolve of the hardiest of trekkers.  While I could imagine making such a journey, reality quickly sets in with the realization that even in my most fit years I could never have made it.  But what is interesting to me is that I could vicariously identify with the author almost step by step.  Even though the story is largely about a woman finding her strength in a world of men, it is also about anyone’s journey into self.  It is about moments in life that include highs and lows.  It is about relationships.  It is about doing things that detract from who we really are but with the redeeming actions that put the lessons in their proper place within the life journey as a whole.  Finally, it is about empowerment whether you are a woman or man seeking the self.

With the turning of the pages each describing some particular challenge along the path, I would think of people I know who I felt could also identify with this journey, or who I think would at least enjoy the accomplishments recorded day by day.  Maybe these thoughts are representative of the old saying that if you find yourself wishing some other person in your life could know this, it is really you that needs the experience.  I can accept that, but still, there are people I know and love that I wish could share this journey, perhaps with the realization that we are on that journey together. 

So often, particularly in close relationships, things begin to be taken for granted.  In that period something is lost in those relationships because expectations begin to diverge almost unnoticed until you find yourself on a different path all together.  The author volitionally chose the most difficult path one could imagine.  On that path she found herself.  She discovered the roots and development of her relationships, particularly with her mother and siblings, but also with others in her life.

Her story telling about the trek is richly enhanced by her flashbacks along the way to events in her life.  Most of these flashbacks involve her mother who died before her 50^th birthday and the difficulty of reconciling her loss with feelings of “unfinished business.”  She also tells us of her drug experiences, her sometimes reckless sexual adventures, her marriage and the divorce that framed another part of the reason for her trek.  While much of her journey is done very much alone, there are others she meets along the way.  As she describes these meetings, some challenging or threatening, you see how she is able to weave them into the unfolding understanding of her self. 

It was a deeply emotional experience for the author, and for me as her reader.  She mentioned at one point in the journey how she would not let herself cry.  It was also true that there was often not enough moisture in her body to provide tears.  When she finally reached the Bridge of the Gods that crossed the Columbia River at Cascade Locks and after she allowed herself the pleasure of an ice cream cone that left her with only 20 cents to her name, she cried.  They were tears of exhilaration, not those of exhaustion.  She had accomplished what she had set out to do.  She had begun not knowing for sure why, but ending it knowing who she was and totally empowered as one of those special wild women!

Community In the New (Old) Age: An Update on Ecotopia

A week ago I posted an article on LifeCentering and on my Facebook page discussing how those of us who lived through the birth pangs of the “New Age” might look back on those days from our “mature” perspective (note the emphasis on mature).  The idea for the article arose out of my reading of the last article found on the computer of author Ernest Callenbach following his recent death.  In 1975 he published his classic tome on building a new society. (Twenty publishing houses rejected it before a small print house accepted it.  It went on to be “working” paper for folks around the world who felt the need for societal change.)  Ecotopia was about the hypothetical secession of Washington, Oregon and parts of Northern California from the rest of the United States because the residents saw the decline in the quality of the air, water and indeed human life itself because of their failure to heed the warnings of the damage being done to Mother Earth.

I bought the book and have now finished reading it.  As I told my friend, Lloyd, I felt exhausted emotionally as I read the final pages.  Let me share something I said to Lloyd as well as to another friend.

I am struck by the way it (Ecotopia) speaks to some of my own thoughts about relationships and how what is offered in the book reflects things I wish I were able to embrace freely.  I am not speaking simply of the manner in which they handle open relationships, but rather the sincere and open way people relate without pretense, agendas or seeking gain of some type.  That, of course, leads to an entirely different way in which sexual situations are embraced as well.  What is important, to me, is that "relating" is developed first and everything else comes after.  It does not eliminate all of the personal pitfalls--some hurt, some jealousies, some disappointments--but because "relating" came first there is a different basis for resolving subsequent issues.  In Ecotopia it is possible to be an individual, and a better one, because community is understood as something beyond the arrangement of people.  It goes into the relationship with our Mother Earth.  For me this draws from the depths of my being something I wish I could more adequately express--the real oneness of all things.  I "know" this intellectually, and occasionally I get out of the way enough that I do experience a measure of that REALITY.  Maybe the next time around I can more fully experience this broader potential.

I will not go into all of the details of how community building took place or how education, industry, employment and entrepreneurship were achieved.  It is very well developed in the book for those who may be interested.  What I do want to talk about to the best of my ability is my emotional connection with certain beliefs, philosophies and practices that I encountered within the story.  In fact, I found those things to BE the real story of Ecotopia.

The whole process of change and examination of new ways of living and doing things is a challenge.  We tend to get comfortable with what we know and our present experience.  Often meeting someone new brings a concern as to whether they will like us, or we them.  There is a hesitancy to engage.  This is not always true, of course, but I am certain most can identify with those feelings.  Meeting new people in new environments in Ecotopia is just the opposite.  It is, after a number of years as an independent stable state, the most natural and comfortable of situations.  This is possible largely due to a greatly decreased sense of “yours” and “mine.”  This is not to say individual ownership does not occur.  In fact, rather than large industrial complexes the emphasis is on small groups of individuals doing what many would consider “brainstorming” ideas and eventually forming a business producing their “product.”  It is not the same as how brainstorming was or is typically done where the ideas are thrown out without judgment from other members of the group.  In Ecotopia ideas are challenged, adjusted and improved upon until a consensus is arrived at.  As to the personal sense of “yours” and “mine” the emphasis is not on things, but on people and harmonious living.

This process is only possible, in my opinion, because before anything is started or an idea even tossed out for consideration, much time and energy has gone into developing relationships, honoring each other and the individual gifts/contributions each person makes to the society as a whole.  There is no judgment of class or hierarchy of power as existed in the regular USA.  A great amount of attention is given to the “needs” of the individual for free time to simply be, (work week consists of 20 hours) to recognize oneness with the forests, the streams, the sky, and sunsets.  This may sound idealist.  It is!  But, as the story developed, a strong rationale for its viability was demonstrated.

In one part of the story the reporter, who came from the main USA ostensibly to write about how this utopian plan could not work, found himself in the hospital after taking part in a ritual “war” exercise.  This concept in itself was worth reading the book for because it dealt with possible hostility in a much different way than the building of armies.  The hospital was like a small country place with about 30 patients.  There were more nurses and doctors than patients and a nurse assigned to a patient was always with that patient or within immediate reach by pager.  A whole different kind of relationship develops due to this concentration on the healing of the patient using every modality that might be of benefit.  As he was preparing to leave the hospital the nurse asked if he was going to write about her in his diary.

“Yes,” is all I can reply, and I hug her, and feel like crying.  This country has certainly taught me to cry, and for some reason it feels good, as if it is not only my tear ducts that have been opened up . . .

As the reporter writes his final piece, “Ecotopia:  Challenge or Illusion?” he concludes that the risky social experiments undertaken have worked on a biological level.  Systems are working and can continue to do so indefinitely.

While extreme decentralization and emotional openness of the society seem alien to an American at first, they too have much to be said in their favor. . . Ecotopians are adept at turning practically any situation toward pleasure, amusement and often intimacy.

It was the mention of emotional openness that got my attention as I realized that was one of the keys to understanding the Ecotopian society.  We Americans, by and large, are a long way from being open emotionally.  We tend to be very guarded in our relationships, whether personal or business.  Yes, there are exceptions to this condition, but I feel they are far too few to make much of a difference in how our society functions.  I could go into our whole political dilemma, but that is not the purpose of this article.  What I come away with, primarily, is that we must come to the place where we are confident enough in who we are (not from the ego) that we do not feel negatively challenged by others, nor do we feel inferior or superior.

Because relationships were well grounded in personal self-worth, it was easy for Ecotopians to feel free in touching and embracing one another.  To Americans, we find touching often is an invasion of our personal space.   I would love to quote from the final page of the book because the author’s recounting of the impression made on this reporter from the “outside” was very moving for me and summed up the values of the Ecotopian society.  But, I will leave it to you to read and I hope many of you will.

This was not so much about withdrawing from the society that we know and creating a better one.  It is, for me, about knowing who we are and what facilitates our continuing understanding of what is really important in our present community.  I strongly believe that will lead to the necessary changes that would produce a better, more stable-state society.

 

Unconditional Forgiveness

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past. ~ Jack Kornfield

I have tried unsuccessfully to begin the story of just what has been going on in my mind and heart for quite a while now. I have started, diverged, evaded and given up thinking I could actually tell my story and leave in anonymity the characters so much a part of that story. Some of my readers have known much of the story. Others who frequent my blog have probably guessed some parts of it as periodic articles hinted at issues upon which my attention focused. It is the larger story of the love, hurt, hypocrisy, deceit and lies that finally led to the disintegration of a family. Finally, it is a story about forgiveness.

This is not an article about forgiveness accomplished. It is about the effort, the desire, and the absolute requirement to achieve full atonement so life can go on. The only person to have never made a mistake does not live on this planet. I have made so many mistakes that I am sometimes surprised I am still able to believe I can find yet another opportunity to see and set things right in situations yet unresolved.

Everyone makes poor choices in words or deeds before they know any better and before they realize what the consequences will be. There is nothing on this planet or in this universe that is outside the bounds of forgiveness . . . I said nothing that a human may have done, is doing, or might do, is outside the bounds of forgiveness. Nothing.1

You may want to read that paragraph again. I have read it numerous times and ask the same questions you probably are: “But what this person did is so heinous, how can you expect me to forgive?” We typically think that there are just some things unworthy of the effort to forgive. We can name names and events and conditions, all justifiably worthy of our contempt and lack of forgiveness, in our mind. We have been hurt, disparaged, humiliated and abused in some way. But the truth of our lives is that we have no choice. Without forgiveness, total and unconditional, we cannot move on in life. Failing to forgive brings the persons, events and conditions ever forward in our lives, harassing us and impeding our growth. Our physical and emotional energy is depleted by our constant attention to the open wound. Ultimately, failing to forgive will literally take our life from us.

Yes, there is real pain when relationships fall apart due to actions that seem purposely designed to stab us in the heart. Forgiveness is mostly concerned with problems in our relationships with others. It is here we make ourselves vulnerable because we trust another and we invite them into our innermost thoughts and feelings. When there is a misunderstanding, anger, frustration and disappointments arise and we are devastated. When trust is broken all we want to do is get far away from the person, event or condition. We try, but it does not work.

We are told to “forgive and forget,” but I think we all know that does not work either. When forgiveness is expressed there is no need to forget. The cycle is complete when forgiveness is offered and we can learn from how that cycle of events developed. To simply forget might include escaping the lesson to be learned from the situation that caused us hurt. When we do not learn from our history, we are doomed to repeat that history with new faces and new places. It might save us a great deal of time and effort if we can begin the healing process right where we are by taking specific actions of forgiveness. It is difficult, but no one ever said life was easy. The difficult lessons impress us more deeply oftentimes so we learn them more completely.

In my family there has been a terrible disintegration between the various members. Unpleasant words and actions resulted in tense and uncomfortable conditions. Love appeared lost and separation occurred. My heart has been broken by the conditions that brought about the destruction of trust and caring for one another. When one member disparages another to yet another member of the family, a betrayal takes place. When that happens a great deal of effort is required to return to the truth. I wish I could tell you that I have been able to forgive without conditions, but I have not. I have told myself that I had done what I needed to do, but if that were the case the healing would have a different look. I would feel comfortable about my family members. Some situations have been resolved and love is again rebuilding. It is wonderful when that occurs! Other situations remain open awaiting my ability to see more clearly the path I must walk to that place where forgiveness is fully functional in all parties, but mainly in me, and resolution is achieved in whatever way that comes forth.

Sometimes resolution does not mean returning to the way things were, in fact, I don’t think it ever works out that way. Breakdowns occur and reconstruction may be started on the basic foundation of a relationship, but the product will be different with new materials/attitudes and new ways of communicating, caring and loving. With that belief in mind, I continue to place myself and my family—son, daughter and grandchildren—in the Presence of All Embracing Love. I trust that healing can and will take place for all.


_________________________
1 Women Who Run With the Wolves. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD, page 377

The “Conditions” of “Unconditional Love”

Let me state at the outset there really are no conditions, yet we consider time, place, person, merit and a variety of other things as important in deciding to love someone. Even to say “regardless” of such and such is a condition.

I have been examining the concept of unconditional love a great deal in the last several months. My immediate family is a complete dysfunctional disaster! Member by member it has broken apart. Under the supposed auspices of “tough love” or “unconditional love” (with conditions) children have been thrown out into the world, parents have been disparaged and maligned. A total lack of effort to understand another or consider a situation from the other person’s viewpoint, has led to fragmentation.

As I look at my “family” now I realize it really does not exist in any real form. It is not simply that geographically we are spread all over the country. It is more the gulfs of discontent and hurt feelings that separate us. I have pretty much determined that I no longer have any family. I do not expect a change from my daughter and it is highly unlikely that my son will feel any further connection with me. I realize that these negative attitudes can be self-fulfilling and am working on transforming them into something positive. I constantly try to “listen” to the suggestions by my therapist about only taking actions or saying things that best model appropriate parental behavior. In other words, what best exemplifies the way a parent can support his/her children without at the same time giving up any sense of drawing a line over which they cannot pass in their emotional abuse. To what degree can I exhibit positive behavior and still feel safe in relationship with them?

On numerous occasions—on a daily basis—I have attempted to find the words to tell my children how much I love them, but after only a few sentences I find myself relying on the “conditions” for loving them. I have not resolved this and that is part of why I cannot yet write the letter expressing my love for them. I am still acutely afraid of the rejection and the ridicule that most likely would be sent my way, whether actually or only in their own minds.

What are some of the conditions that I find myself expressing? I suspect I am not alone in recognizing some of these. The biggie for many of us is determining who is at fault. “I could forgive you if only you would admit what you did was wrong.” Or perhaps it goes like this, “If you would quit blaming your upbringing for your not feeling loved, you would see that you are loveable.” Maybe for you it is, “If you were just a little more patient you might understand me better. Or, “If you would just try to communicate without judging me.”

These are just a few of the conditions that may be limiting our ability to express love unconditionally. Loving someone is just THAT! Love IS. It is that feeling of connection that transcends reasons. The minute we love someone BECAUSE, we have placed a condition upon that love. If the cause for loving them changes, then what about the love based upon that cause? You can see immediately, I hope, how complex the issue of loving unconditionally can be. However, the complexity is not in the concept, but in the interpretations and conditions we place upon the expression of the concept.

In my heart I am clear about loving my children, for example, without any conditions. In my heart that is relatively easy. As I look at my experiences with my son and daughter I realize that much of the water that has gone under the bridge in our relationships has been murky, sometimes flowing freely and other times stuck in the endless eddies that just keep going around in circles. For one reason or another we seem to get stuck in some memory or frustration or unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Breaking free of these backwater eddies is not usually accomplished by pretending we are not stuck. Often it takes a flash flood of some kind to break us loose from those limiting conditions. Even then, if we do not take advantage of the new freedom by changing our outlook, seeking to improve our state of mind and being, we can easily fall back into the eddies of limitation before we know it.

I continue my effort to understand and fully express unconditional love in all of my relationships with others, but in particular with my children. I will continue my efforts to put into words the essence of my unconditional love so I can tangibly share it with them when the time is right. I will remind myself daily that there are no conditions for unconditional love.

Emotional History and God’s Timing

I came across two short, but meaningful, writings a while ago when I first began seeking to find a way to deal with emotional loss in a relationship. I hope you will find the ideas as helpful as I did in my effort to reframe the references of my mind and heart. I apologize for not having the author information of "God's Timing." If any of you recognize it and can provide the information, I will add it. Thanks!

Now You See It, Now You Don’t

God leads me to still waters
That restore my spirit – Psalm 23

It doesn’t take very long for each of us to accumulate an emotional history. A child burns her hand on a stove and a fear of fire begins; in a tender moment, a hand is slapped and a fear of love begins. Our emotional associations and reflexes run deep. Often, the heart breathes beneath all our associations like a soft, sandy bottom waiting underwater.

Thus, to see ourselves clearly, we must try to still our associations till we are as transparent as a calm lake. When still enough and clear enough, others can also see through to our bottom. It makes love possible again. But paradoxically, when someone is moved to reach for us, their fingers stir things up, sending ripples everywhere, and we and they can often lose sight of what matters.

All this affirms the need to stay with our feelings long enough for the emotional associations—the ripples—to settle. No one can escape this. No matter how young or old you may be, no matter how innocent or experienced you are, if you’ve been awake and alive and in any kind of relationship that has in any way been real, your waters will stir, your emotions will ripple. It seems the only way we can truly know our own depth is to wait for our associations and reflexes to subside, till we are clear as a lake again. Only when what gets stirred up settles can we see ourselves and each other clearly.

Breathe slowly, and allow your agitations of heart to come and go with each breath.
Breathe steadily, and try to outwait your reflexes to be angry or anxious or envious or resentful.
Breathe evenly, and with each exhalation try to feel the depth of heart that waits below.

-- From “Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo

God’s Timing

When the lip is cut, no matter how, the need to heal makes us chew slower, and drink to one side. It makes us speak only when we have something to say. These are not bad things.

When the mind is cut, by a truth too sharp to hold, it makes us bleed the things we cling to. If lucky, we bleed the things that no longer work.

When the self others have sealed us in is cut, it lets us escape with only what we were given at birth.

While there are terrible ways to be opened, there is no such thing as a bad opening. It’s all about God’s timing. Not open enough and we fester. Open too long and we become a wound.

If you speed up how a flower blooms, it appears to be escaping. If you slow down the way a crisis explodes what we know, it appears we are transforming.

Hard as it is to embrace, crises are flowers opening what we refuse to open by ourselves.

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Many thanks to a long-time friend who shared these insightful writings with me. How fortunate we are to have such friends. They walk with us free of judgment, filled with understanding, and supportive of the best within us that we may lose sight of in the rippled waters of our life.

-- Dan Perin

When Love Fails

This article originally appeared in the Whole Life Learning Center Blog November 4, 2005.

The scripture assures us, “Love never fails.” (I Cor. 13.8) Yet so many times in our lives we definitely feel that love has vanished, that no matter how hard we have tried we cannot find love. Hurts and disappointments of the past seem to loom larger and larger until we are completely overwhelmed. At those times we are unable to take comfort in the fact that we have been loved, that there were those who cared—and perhaps still do even though we cannot feel it.
It is impossible to know exactly what brings a person to the point where his/her life appears totally bereft of love, yet surely we do know people who are suffering in that depth of despair. Often our attempts to be of help fall on deaf ears or are met with fear and mistrust incapacitating them from accepting that help. When this happens our best hope is to stand by, but stand back. Hold the person dear in your heart of love and trust that the working of Spirit will dislodge them from being locked in loss and hopelessness.
It may seem that our choice to stand back is no help at all. When someone we care for is hurting, we want to do whatever is possible to make things better for them. And yet if the person will not or cannot respond to our efforts we may only make things worse by outwardly pushing them to do something we believe is right for them. In these matters, we ourselves must return to our own trust and faith in Spirit to move in Its own mysterious ways to bring resolution. When we fully let go and trust, then we have done our best. It is then up to the other person to proceed in the best way he/she knows how. Our hearts may ache for them to choose differently. We may absolutely believe that we know what it will take for them to overcome their challenge. In fact, we cannot know. In truth each person chooses his/her path according to their specific needs and understanding of who they are and the powers they feel they have.
No matter the path a loved one may choose our steadfast trust in the nature of the universe as a place where truth will ultimately prevail is the best support we can offer. The “truth” may not appear to be the same for every person, but beyond personal truth there is eternal Truth the understanding of which we are all seeking and which when understood in growing degrees brings peace of mind and release and healing.
Love Never Fails!