Running With Wild Women!

Okay, okay, so it’s just a catchy title that I hope will interest you enough to read on a bit.  However, this is about what some would consider as wild women!

In recent years I have read several books that especially interested me.  Both were written by, for and/or about women.  The first book was Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD (Ballantine Books).  It is about the myths and stories of the wild woman archetype and was so interesting to me that I have probably at least 50 pages flagged and I made copious notes that practically amounted to another book.  In its over 500 pages I gained wonderful insights to the feminine nature and the quest for meaning and empowerment.  This was important to me because I have felt the strong feminine in myself through the years.  Sometimes it expresses as the tender, loving nature that is so nurturing in its expression.  Other times what I experience is the intuitive and mystical aspect that so symbolizes women to me.

The other book that I just finished is Wild: From Lost to Found On the Pacific Crest Trail, by Cheryl Strayed (Knopf).  This book is also about finding one’s self, particularly as a woman.  This local Portland author set out alone to hike the Pacific Crest Trail which she describes as, “A world that measures two feet wide by 2663 miles long,” stretching from the Mexican border on the south to Canada on the north.

Her almost unbelievable journey would test the endurance and resolve of the hardiest of trekkers.  While I could imagine making such a journey, reality quickly sets in with the realization that even in my most fit years I could never have made it.  But what is interesting to me is that I could vicariously identify with the author almost step by step.  Even though the story is largely about a woman finding her strength in a world of men, it is also about anyone’s journey into self.  It is about moments in life that include highs and lows.  It is about relationships.  It is about doing things that detract from who we really are but with the redeeming actions that put the lessons in their proper place within the life journey as a whole.  Finally, it is about empowerment whether you are a woman or man seeking the self.

With the turning of the pages each describing some particular challenge along the path, I would think of people I know who I felt could also identify with this journey, or who I think would at least enjoy the accomplishments recorded day by day.  Maybe these thoughts are representative of the old saying that if you find yourself wishing some other person in your life could know this, it is really you that needs the experience.  I can accept that, but still, there are people I know and love that I wish could share this journey, perhaps with the realization that we are on that journey together. 

So often, particularly in close relationships, things begin to be taken for granted.  In that period something is lost in those relationships because expectations begin to diverge almost unnoticed until you find yourself on a different path all together.  The author volitionally chose the most difficult path one could imagine.  On that path she found herself.  She discovered the roots and development of her relationships, particularly with her mother and siblings, but also with others in her life.

Her story telling about the trek is richly enhanced by her flashbacks along the way to events in her life.  Most of these flashbacks involve her mother who died before her 50^th birthday and the difficulty of reconciling her loss with feelings of “unfinished business.”  She also tells us of her drug experiences, her sometimes reckless sexual adventures, her marriage and the divorce that framed another part of the reason for her trek.  While much of her journey is done very much alone, there are others she meets along the way.  As she describes these meetings, some challenging or threatening, you see how she is able to weave them into the unfolding understanding of her self. 

It was a deeply emotional experience for the author, and for me as her reader.  She mentioned at one point in the journey how she would not let herself cry.  It was also true that there was often not enough moisture in her body to provide tears.  When she finally reached the Bridge of the Gods that crossed the Columbia River at Cascade Locks and after she allowed herself the pleasure of an ice cream cone that left her with only 20 cents to her name, she cried.  They were tears of exhilaration, not those of exhaustion.  She had accomplished what she had set out to do.  She had begun not knowing for sure why, but ending it knowing who she was and totally empowered as one of those special wild women!

Asking The Right Questions

This morning, as I reviewed the "hits" to this blog, I discovered that someone had made a Google search for: "asking the right questions." The number one item in the responses to this request was the article below that I first posted in May 2009.  As a reread it, I found myself in a similar quandary as the article addresses.  I am posting it again with the thought that it may also be applicable to other readers at this time.  I have often recognized that life seems to run in cycles.  As we become more aware of them and seek further understanding of them, our growth into our fuller, richer True Self may be realized.  I am continuing the process!

When I wrote that I was going to take a sabbatical in order to consider some “new” questions about my life and my purpose I didn’t know at the time just what the “new” questions were going to be.  I think I expected them to simply be a rehash of questions I have asked myself most of my life.  That is the way the journey began, but it is not how it turned out.

It seems there are points in the lives of each of us where we feel a greater need for introspection, meditation, or contemplation because we feel a bit like a boat without a rudder.  A boat without a rudder may sail along just fine, unless you want to go somewhere specific.  Then you discover that without the rudder you aimlessly drift along with little satisfaction or sense of accomplishment.

I have come to points like this several times in my life.  These plateaus where we find it necessary to take a break for a while are not necessarily negative events nor do they indicate a lack of life value.  They are simply places where we have the opportunity to review our priorities and consider altering our direction.

This time around, my questions seem to center on getting a better understanding of my feminine nature.  I wanted to better understand my feelings, my empathetic nature and why deep emotions seem to surface so dramatically for me at times.

Asking the proper question is the central action of transformation—in fairy tales, in analysis, and in individuation.  The key question causes germination of consciousness.  The properly shaped question always emanates from an essential curiosity about what stands behind.  Questions are the keys that cause the secret doors of the psyche to swing open.[1]

Somewhere within me there is an aching, a longing that has been expressing itself more and more often as deep feelings of connection with some of my fellow human beings, not necessarily anyone I know personally.  The feelings surge up when I see others hurting or feeling alone without the company of others who might be supportive in their time of need.  I may see this in a television drama, the evening news, and the newspaper or just about anywhere one hears about others and their difficulties.  It also wells up in me when I become aware of significant help someone extends to another, a random act of kindness.  Both negative and positive stories attract my sense of empathy.

The curiosity that stands behind the questions I ask myself about why I have these feelings and what I am supposed to do with them hopefully will open more widely the secret doors of my own psyche.

Often the creative life is slowed or stopped because something in the psyche has a very low opinion of us, and we are down there groveling at its feet instead of bopping it over the head and running free. In many cases what is required to aright the situation is that we take ourselves, our ideas, our art, far more seriously than we have done before. [2]

I find this notion particularly interesting.  Realizing that the blocks I might feel in my creative life could be an inner low self-image certainly is not a new notion, but seeing it in print gave me the opportunity to look at that issue again, perhaps opening the “secret doors” of my psyche.  For the most part I feel I am aware of the self-image limitations I have placed upon myself, so my questions were to get at how to handle the empathetic emotions that overwhelm me at times.  What is their productive use?  (My pragmatism and logic at work, which takes me away from the feelings and into my masculine mind.)

The larger questions to be considered are: What/who am I really?  What is my work in this life?  What do I hunger for?  What do I long for?  Additionally, I think I must come to terms with whether I believe in my ability to do what my life experiences require of me in order to enter into transformation.  Am I simply sitting on the sidelines because it is comfortable there and there is less to challenge my status quo?  Or, is my apparent sideline sitting really just an opportunity to consider new ventures and to find ways to utilize the skills and belief systems I have developed through the years?

As you can see, I have not finished my quest (and I don’t think we are designed to “finish” our quest anyway!).  However, I have gained some new insights that I plan to share in later postings, so stay tuned.

---

[1] Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD, page 52

[2] Ibid, Page 70

Unconditional Forgiveness

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past. ~ Jack Kornfield

I have tried unsuccessfully to begin the story of just what has been going on in my mind and heart for quite a while now. I have started, diverged, evaded and given up thinking I could actually tell my story and leave in anonymity the characters so much a part of that story. Some of my readers have known much of the story. Others who frequent my blog have probably guessed some parts of it as periodic articles hinted at issues upon which my attention focused. It is the larger story of the love, hurt, hypocrisy, deceit and lies that finally led to the disintegration of a family. Finally, it is a story about forgiveness.

This is not an article about forgiveness accomplished. It is about the effort, the desire, and the absolute requirement to achieve full atonement so life can go on. The only person to have never made a mistake does not live on this planet. I have made so many mistakes that I am sometimes surprised I am still able to believe I can find yet another opportunity to see and set things right in situations yet unresolved.

Everyone makes poor choices in words or deeds before they know any better and before they realize what the consequences will be. There is nothing on this planet or in this universe that is outside the bounds of forgiveness . . . I said nothing that a human may have done, is doing, or might do, is outside the bounds of forgiveness. Nothing.1

You may want to read that paragraph again. I have read it numerous times and ask the same questions you probably are: “But what this person did is so heinous, how can you expect me to forgive?” We typically think that there are just some things unworthy of the effort to forgive. We can name names and events and conditions, all justifiably worthy of our contempt and lack of forgiveness, in our mind. We have been hurt, disparaged, humiliated and abused in some way. But the truth of our lives is that we have no choice. Without forgiveness, total and unconditional, we cannot move on in life. Failing to forgive brings the persons, events and conditions ever forward in our lives, harassing us and impeding our growth. Our physical and emotional energy is depleted by our constant attention to the open wound. Ultimately, failing to forgive will literally take our life from us.

Yes, there is real pain when relationships fall apart due to actions that seem purposely designed to stab us in the heart. Forgiveness is mostly concerned with problems in our relationships with others. It is here we make ourselves vulnerable because we trust another and we invite them into our innermost thoughts and feelings. When there is a misunderstanding, anger, frustration and disappointments arise and we are devastated. When trust is broken all we want to do is get far away from the person, event or condition. We try, but it does not work.

We are told to “forgive and forget,” but I think we all know that does not work either. When forgiveness is expressed there is no need to forget. The cycle is complete when forgiveness is offered and we can learn from how that cycle of events developed. To simply forget might include escaping the lesson to be learned from the situation that caused us hurt. When we do not learn from our history, we are doomed to repeat that history with new faces and new places. It might save us a great deal of time and effort if we can begin the healing process right where we are by taking specific actions of forgiveness. It is difficult, but no one ever said life was easy. The difficult lessons impress us more deeply oftentimes so we learn them more completely.

In my family there has been a terrible disintegration between the various members. Unpleasant words and actions resulted in tense and uncomfortable conditions. Love appeared lost and separation occurred. My heart has been broken by the conditions that brought about the destruction of trust and caring for one another. When one member disparages another to yet another member of the family, a betrayal takes place. When that happens a great deal of effort is required to return to the truth. I wish I could tell you that I have been able to forgive without conditions, but I have not. I have told myself that I had done what I needed to do, but if that were the case the healing would have a different look. I would feel comfortable about my family members. Some situations have been resolved and love is again rebuilding. It is wonderful when that occurs! Other situations remain open awaiting my ability to see more clearly the path I must walk to that place where forgiveness is fully functional in all parties, but mainly in me, and resolution is achieved in whatever way that comes forth.

Sometimes resolution does not mean returning to the way things were, in fact, I don’t think it ever works out that way. Breakdowns occur and reconstruction may be started on the basic foundation of a relationship, but the product will be different with new materials/attitudes and new ways of communicating, caring and loving. With that belief in mind, I continue to place myself and my family—son, daughter and grandchildren—in the Presence of All Embracing Love. I trust that healing can and will take place for all.


_________________________
1 Women Who Run With the Wolves. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD, page 377

Asking the Right Questions

When I wrote that I was going to take a sabbatical in order to consider some “new” questions about my life and my purpose I didn’t know at the time just what the “new” questions were going to be. I think I expected them to simply be a rehash of questions I have asked myself most of my life. That is the way the journey began, but it is not how it turned out.

It seems there are points in the lives of each of us where we feel a greater need for introspection, meditation, or contemplation because we feel a bit like a boat without a rudder. A boat without a rudder may sail along just fine, unless you want to go somewhere specific. Then you discover that without the rudder you aimlessly drift along with little satisfaction or sense of accomplishment.

I have come to points like this several times in my life. These plateaus where we find it necessary to take a break for a while are not necessarily negative events nor do they indicate a lack of life value. They are simply places where we have the opportunity to review our priorities and consider altering our direction.

This time around, my questions seem to center on getting a better understanding of my feminine nature. I wanted to better understand my feelings, my empathetic nature and why deep emotions seem to surface so dramatically for me at times.

Asking the proper question is the central action of transformation—in fairy tales, in analysis, and in individuation. The key question causes germination of consciousness. The properly shaped question always emanates from an essential curiosity about what stands behind. Questions are the keys that cause the secret doors of the psyche to swing open. 1

Somewhere within me there is an aching, a longing that has been expressing itself more and more often as deep feelings of connection with some of my fellow human beings, not necessarily anyone I know personally. The feelings surge up when I see others hurting or feeling alone without the company of others who might be supportive in their time of need. I may see this in a television drama, the evening news, and the newspaper or just about anywhere one hears about others and their difficulties. It also wells up in me when I become aware of significant help someone extends to another, a random act of kindness. Both negative and positive stories attract my sense of empathy.

The curiosity that stands behind the questions I ask myself about why I have these feelings and what I am supposed to do with them hopefully will open more widely the secret doors of my own psyche.

Often the creative life is slowed or stopped because something in the psyche has a very low opinion of us, and we are down there groveling at its feet instead of bopping it over the head and running free. In many cases what is required to aright the situation is that we take ourselves, our ideas, our art, far more seriously than we have done before. 2

I find this notion particularly interesting. Realizing that the blocks I might feel in my creative life could be an inner low self-image certainly is not a new notion, but seeing it in print gave me the opportunity to look at that issue again, perhaps opening the “secret doors” of my psyche. For the most part I feel I am aware of the self-image limitations I have placed upon myself, so my questions were to get at how to handle the empathetic emotions that overwhelm me at times. What is their productive use? (My pragmatism and logic at work, which takes me away from the feelings and into my masculine mind.)

The larger questions to be considered are: What/who am I really? What is my work in this life? What do I hunger for? What do I long for? Additionally, I think I must come to terms with whether I believe in my ability to do what my life experiences require of me in order to enter into transformation. Am I simply sitting on the sidelines because it is comfortable there and there is less to challenge my status quo? Or, is my apparent sideline sitting really just an opportunity to consider new ventures and to find ways to utilize the skills and belief systems I have developed through the years?

As you can see, I have not finished my quest (and I don’t think we are designed to “finish” our quest anyway!). However, I have gained some new insights that I plan to share in later postings, so stay tuned.

______________________________

1 Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD, page 52

2 Ibid, Page 70

Once More With Feeling!

I thought I might be back at posting to LifeCentering before now.

As I first began my “sabbatical” just over one month ago, I had an early quickening creatively as I began reading, Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D., a senior Jungian analyst. This is a book about the myths and stories of the Wild Woman archetype. I found the stories amazingly relevant to my feminine nature. So much of what I have experienced as I developed the expression of my personal attributes that typically are associated with the feminine side of our human nature were illustrated by these stories, and for the first time in my life, I began to understand and accept that mystical part of my being.

Recognizing my feminine side has mostly been easy for me, but understanding how to truly open myself to it seemed just beyond where I was. I have always been intuitive, perhaps more so than most men. I easily empathized with the feelings of others. I enjoyed much of the “right brain” sensitivities, such as artistic and spatial skills; insight; imagination; music awareness. Interestingly, and to me, frustrating, was the fact that while I enjoyed all types of art, music and theater, I seemed to have little skill in producing any of those abilities! (Unless you consider that being a minister/actor fulfilled the role. Many people think that ministers are frustrated actors!)

Another part of the personal frustration I often experienced came from having a keen logical ability. I knew how to figure things out. Ideas came easily (right brain) and I usually knew how to develop them (left brain). I have had a “large picture” view without losing the small details that composed that picture. Again, however, taking the next step in actual production in physical form usually was best accomplished in partnership with another person whose skills complimented my own.

As I developed various projects (careers) in my life I usually moved forward quickly using the skills I knew I had. The unfortunate part of my story is that I usually bailed out in one way or another before the project reached its peak. I think that is partly responsible for why I felt the need of a partner. I have come to realize that was my fear of failure/fear of success roadblock. That ragged edge to my personality has surfaced so often that I came to accept it, explain it, justify it and live with it! That ain’t no fun, my friends!

I have made efforts at resolving that part of my nature and in some areas I fare much better than before. I still have much work to do in overcoming that roadblock to fulfillment. It was my recognition of this fact that brought me to the decision to take some time off from writing. My life style since retiring has been such that it has become more difficult for me to get out of myself to regain connections with people, places, and activities. Most of all the lack of activity reinforces the false notion of not being able to break free.

So, back to the beginning of this more lengthy than planned effort to share where I have been and why. I have made extensive notes as I read Women Who Run With Wolves. The notes themselves would almost make a book on their own. What I have found out in reviewing the Wild Woman archetype stories is mostly very personal. I think I see the application to my own life, but I am not yet sure how, if at all, I can write about it in a way that is generally helpful without revealing my own misadventures. It is not that I am afraid to share my foibles and pratfalls. It is more that they would be identifiable to others who, perhaps innocently, chose to walk with me for a time. I do know that I will come to the place where I can share my stories and when I do, I hope others will find some point of meaning for their own lives. We are not so different from each other, you know, and we join in the experience of others for wonderful reasons that may not yet be clear. So I am going to do this Once More With Feeling!

A Time For Reflection

(I will be on sabbatical until further notice)

Every once in awhile it seems to be necessary to take some time off from whatever we have been doing so that we might assess those things and re-evaluate how they contribute to our lives. There is a cumulative effect of events in our lives like the rolling waves of the ocean hitting the shore. Slowly, wave-by-wave, the shoreline is changed. In quieter times the sands are built up, the beach becomes softer and enjoyable. In stormy times the beach erodes exposing buried rocks and logs and all sorts of things formerly unseen. Life is like that. Every day the waves of events crash upon the shores of our being and we discover the changes that are occurring. We cannot, do not, fight the onslaught of the waves because we understand the natural process. However, we often do attempt to fight the onslaught of events in our lives that begin to expose aspects of our selves that have been covered by the quieter times. That fight is often futile.

I have come to a point where I am beginning to observe my life differently. I am raising new questions about who I am and how I got to where I am. I am trying to assess and re-evaluate the events of my life for any new insights I might find as the waves first build and then erode the features that I consider to be the shores of my being. This review includes not only the examination of my beliefs, thoughts, feelings and actions, but also what I have observed in the character and behaviors of others in my life who have also contributed in some way to my view of self.

This might be a major effort on my part, at least it seems that way to me from my current perspective. Because I firmly believe that I need this time of reflection and introspection, I intend to drop out for awhile and go back to some physical places that have served as a source of energy and insight in the past. I expect to spend time on the beaches where I have over the years watched the tides bring dramatic change to the shores. I hope to let those tides bring a fresh vision of who I am and what I am here to do in my remaining time in this life experience.

I have no idea of how much time I need. It may be a day. It may be a month. It may even be forever! All I know is that until I can wrap my mind and heart around this thing I call my life I am in no condition to be offering supposed insights to others. So, this will be my last posting until the lightening strikes in such a way that it is clear to me that I have learned something worth talking about.

I appreciate the interest of those of you who have followed LifeCentering. I hope to be back with a renewed view of life and maybe more certainty regarding what it is all about!


P.S.
Before I even posted this article, I decided to check out from the library a book that has come to my attention through two different sources recently: Women Who Run With Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I had barely read the cover notes and introduction when I realized my journey had begun! The deep sense of emotional disorientation and the search of singing over the bones has revealed a beginning point that resonated with an inner search that has been tickling my attention for some time. I immediately ordered a copy of the book for myself. I think you will hear much more about this when I return!

Beginning Again!

The calendar turns again. A new 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, or 8760 hours lie before us to shape as we will. It may seem, after the preceding year, that we have little to do with shaping our days, but of course you know I am going to tell you that we do!

One of the things that last year should have taught us is that we need to pay more particular attention to the details of our lives rather than leaving them to others and trusting they will take care of us. The immense financial melt down, egregious scandals and evidence of corporate and personal greed have battered not only the nation, but each of us individually. The top one percent of those who hold 80-95% of the nation’s wealth may be just fine. The rest of us have probably taken significant hits to our financial well-being. I don’t need to recount the details here. I can’t imagine you are not fully aware of how you have been affected.

I think it may be that we discovered how bad things were because more of us than ever before in history DID begin to take charge of our decisions. I believe we did this because we finally saw a LEADER emerging who declared he was willing to lead if we would all agree to do our part. President elect, Barack Obama, has demonstrated how he will lead by demonstrating his strong sense of self-confidence. He reached out to surround himself with the most qualified persons he could find who will challenge him to think and act courageously in bringing about the change he promised.

Now comes our part in the process. Beyond communicating our ideas (he says he will encourage the millions of folks on his campaign email list to share their concerns and suggestions with him) we must recognize our need to maintain a positive outlook. It is time to do more than simply think positive. It is time to act.

An email I received the other day included an article by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D, Author of the best seller, Women Who Run with the Wolves. Part of what she had to say is:

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of
stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.

Ms. Estes recognizes that we get depressed and discouraged, but urges us to not faint in our effort to be part of the positive change that we will accomplish together. Any effort we individually make will make a difference. No act is insignificant, because none of us is insignificant. Take a deep breath and acknowledge that in a spirit of joy and certainty you act not alone! Hold to the vision of possibility. Keep on keeping on!