Thankful, Thankful, Thankful!

Yes, indeed, I am most thankful for many things this year.

It is now 2:45 PST and I have eaten the sumptuous meal I planned and executed according to that plan, albeit having rushed it to fruition a bit sooner than I planned.  Let’s face it, you can’t smell roasting turkey for three hours plus and not want to get at tasting it!  I won’t go into the menu since I posted it earlier on Facebook, but suffice it to say I enjoyed everything anyone could imagine for the feast day

Being a Type A personality, and getting up at 5:30 AM it was almost impossible to wait the day through to get at dinner.  I originally planned to eat around 4:00 PM.  I did everything I could in advance of actually cooking everything and it was still too early.  I even managed to start the turkey earlier than planned (by mistake, actually), but that turned out to be fortuitous because it allowed dinner to come earlier.

In my defense, I do not believe the food was any less tasty to have been on the table early.  However, If I had guests, I am afraid they might not have been as comfortable with my scurrying around as I would have liked them to be.

A good Riesling wine before, during and after dinner made everything better I am sure, at least it seemed that way.  Maybe that’s what wine is all about.  Hmmmm.  Of course, not having someone to converse with over dinner was a disappointment, but I have always been a good conversationalist with myself!.   No matter what the subject I can guide it my way satisfactorily and no one has to be defensive.

But to the point of this blather:  I truly am thankful for so many things.  A year ago and for several years prior to that time, I had no agenda for living.  I existed.  Sure, I did all right.  I always have.  But I really didn’t care much about anything.  Then came the opportunity make a move, something someone in my position at my age probably would not normally do.  I bought a manufactured home and moved from my home territory of Beaverton to the more rural community of Dallas, Oregon, just west of Salem.  It has been like a rebirth to me.  I suddenly had reasons to do things that I could not do in an apartment.  I was no longer feeling home bound and I managed to get out and explore my surroundings.  Not everyone could understand what in the wor\ld I was doing with such a choice, but even that did not matter any more.  I was, am living again!

I am thankful for my family, my son and daughter and their families.  I am now a great grandfather and it is unbelievable to experience that, especially since in my own mind I am still a young adult!

I am thankful for friends, near and far.  Some friends have been in my life for many years.  Others are of more recent connections.  All are special to me even though I am terrible when it comes to doing the little things that most friends do with and for each other.  Believe me, no slight is intended. 

I am grateful to have been able to care for myself and my needs to the extent that I have.  Economically, I am grateful to be experiencing the developing security that comes with an expanding economy.  I believe my security comes from believing in a Providence that cares for its creation and I try to be conscious of my part in having the faith that will guide my decisions as long as I am in this dimension, I know that I have a responsibility to act positively and be sensitive to any guidance that comes from any source.

So, my friends, these are some of my reasons for loving to live today and for being grateful for all of the good that comes my way, especially in the form of family and friends.  Love to you all!

Rearranging Life

 

I was in the process of rearranging the furniture in my second bedroom/office (yes, already after so soon getting settled!), and in the process, spilled contents of my letter trays where I kept correspondence, bills and other items not ready for filing.  It was then I realized an additional reason why I had begun this rearranging. Here is what I discovered.

In going through the correspondence folder I came across several greeting cards I had received in the past and had wanted to save.  I also found a number of photos (grand children); articles I had saved and some pictures I had saved from years ago that had been placed under the glass top to my office desk.  I managed to sort these various items out and saved most all of them again.

It was lunchtime when I got through with the arranging and after lunch I sat down to read.  While I was reading I found myself thinking back to the greeting cards I had discovered.  There was a get well card from members of my Ageless Conditioning class following my heart surgery several years ago.  There was a Christmas card from my good friends from back in the Whole Life Learning Center days in Colorado, the Ebrights, telling me of Jack’s hip replacement surgery done on my birthday and telling me I was an inspiration to him.  Finally, there were Father’s Day cards from family members.

I realized how valuable the sentiments shared in the cards were to me.  A couple of years ago I had gone through my files that contained years of cards from close friends and loved ones.  I had cards from my son and daughter that went back to the time they first were able to scribble their names.  These were so precious and re-reading them reminded me of the love that transcends everything.  As difficult as it was I had to let the cards go, but before I did, I scanned many of them into my computer.

I guess the point of all this is that if or when we begin to take our loved ones and friends for granted, it is wonderful to have those greeting cards to look at again.  It true that some connections remain stronger than some others.  Never the less the special people whose paths have joined with us from time to time leave marks on our consciousness forever.  To be reminded of our shared caring can strengthen our resolve to continue to care, to love and to respect each other more deeply.

So, it was a fruitful morning for me.  Once again my “re-arranging” brought clearer insight about important relationships. 

Your Happiness Is Your Job!

I recently was able to purchase a manufactured home in a small Oregon town heavy on farms, orchards, open space and light on traffic (and traffic lights!).  I had lived in an apartment since retiring from Safeco Life and Investments in 2003 and selling my mobile home in the Seattle Metro area and moving back to Oregon.  I didn’t fully realize until I was actually moved into my new home and began to get settled how totally happy I was.  I suppose much of the feeling came simply from a new environment and new experiences.  However, the longer I am here, the more I realize how many factors there are in one’s life that lead to happiness or the lack of it.

Primarily, of course, our happiness depends on our attitude about life.  Our attitude can be influenced by many things:  friends, relatives, social interaction, money, power, culture, ideals, spiritual activity, environment, and on and on.  What influences we accept as contributing factors in how we live most certainly results in the quality of life we have.  I believe that due to our inherent social nature we enjoy sharing our lives with others who are important to us in some way.  When we feel good and enjoy life, we like to share those feelings with friends and family.  Conversely, when we are in the dumps we may tend to share those feelings with others as well.  If we are lucky, our friends and family may rise to the occasion to be supportive and help us through the current challenges.  Sometimes, not so much!

One of the things I have always done when I was not clear about what I should do about some issue, I rearrange my furniture.  Many times I rearranged the furniture in the office where I was working if there was a particularly difficult issue that needed to be resolved.  I have done the same in my home from time to time.  It just seemed that rearranging the way things were outwardly gave me a new arrangement in my thinking and feeling that would lead to resolving the concern.

It is a major rearrangement when we make a physical move from one home to another.  I won’t go into the potentials of moves that constitute a “running from” some situation.  That is another story for another time.  What I am interested in is a move that truly comes about because one has begun an inner rearrangement of priorities and interests.  I had been feeling the urge to make a move, literally, for about a year.  I dabbled at looking at manufactured homes.  It was interesting that I never actually went in any!  Driving by was my way of flirting with the notion of a move.  I shared my process with only one other person.

Then I received a notice of a rent increase coming up at my apartment.  The rent on my storage locker had already gone up.  That was the catalyst that produced a serious consideration of the pros/cons of purchasing a home.  I had seen a listing of a home in Dallas, Oregon and decided to drive down for a look.  To make a long story short, I turned out to be looking at the wrong listing.  The mobile park was large and consisted of two separate, but connected parts.  As I was driving through the adjacent park, thinking the one I was originally looking for was not what I wanted, I stopped to pick up a flyer for one of the homes.  As I was getting ready to get back in my truck, I saw a lady come up the street waving her hands.  She said, “Do you want to look inside?”  I paused in surprise, then, said, “Yes. I would.”  It was exactly the home I wanted.

I quickly contacted the sales agent and arranged for a meeting.  I offered considerably less than the seller was asking, even after it had been reduced in price.  I also was asking the seller to take half the offer in a note for three years. The agent’s jaw dropped when I told him what my offer was, but he dutifully submitted it to the seller, who now lives in Arizona.  A few days later I got the word, “Start packing.  Your offer was accepted.”  Not even a counter offer.

There were many “co-incidental” factors to the whole process, but to mention one is the fact that I had been living in Greenway Square Apartments.  This home was located in Greenway Mobile Park.  The similarity was not lost on me.

Now, to get to the “Your Happiness is Your Job” part, I wanted to share my good fortune with others.  The result from others was varied, primarily supportive from the ones joining in my happiness.  One person in particular found it necessary to dump on my choice of making such a move.  Seems an inter-personal issue made the person think my action was somehow directed at offending him.  Go figure!  I was taken aback and frankly, it took me awhile to determine not to let any dissenter decide my happiness.  Some folks just can’t stand to see others happy when they are not.

I have had more happiness and interest in life in the last six weeks than I have had in the last five years!  In response to the dissent, I am reminded of the words of Edwin Markham:

He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!

From the poem " Outwitted”

To fully enjoy my happiness, it is necessary for me to express the ability to include others in a loving embrace.  What the other person does with that love is up to him/her.

Saying Yes When I Mean No

 

It seems so much easier to just say “Yes” to someone or some thing than to risk disappointing or upsetting that person.  But when we really mean “No,” and still say “Yes,” everyone ultimately ends up disappointed and we, especially, feel we have broken some cardinal rule by not going along.  Subsequently, we may develop feelings of guilt.

Much of the confusion that arises when we develop a habit of not responding in a manner that reflects our honest desire is due to the sets of expectations we hold in mind.  We have certain expectations of ourselves, sometimes without realizing we do.  We expect to be a good person, to respect others, to want to be there for them.  Failing, in our mind, to honor these expectations can make us feel unworthy or can lead us to fear we will not be loved.

It is also true that others have expectations that may or may not be obvious to them or to us as we interact with them.  Without saying so clearly a person may harbor an expectation that we will take some action or perform some act that they think they need us to do for them.  It is clear how the unspoken expectation can lead to disappointment and perhaps even more serious frustration that damages the relationship.

In The Book of Awakening the author, Mark Nepo, writes of this conflict:

And how many times, once trained in self-sacrifice, do we have the opposite conversation with ourselves; our passion for life saying yes, yes, yes, and our practical guardedness saying, don’t be foolish, be realistic, don’t leave yourself unprotected.  But long enough on the journey, and we come to realize an even deeper aspect of all this:  that those who truly love us will never knowingly ask us to be other than we are.

The unwavering truth is that when we agree to any demand, request, or condition that is contrary to our soul’s nature, the cost is that precious life force is drained off our core.  Despite the seeming rewards of compliance, our souls grow weary by engaging in activities that are inherently against their nature.

He also mentioned how he realized his first marriage was a case of saying yes when he meant no.  Especially when we are young, having been brought up to think and act in a certain way, we may confuse doing the “right” thing for someone else with the “wrong” thing for ourselves.  Until we recognize the need to be true to ourselves, we will fail at being true to others.  More importantly, we will fail to find the happiness and fulfillment that we seek.

Then there is the whole issue of doing things we believe will earn the love of someone important in our lives.  Love does not exist because you do or do not do something for that person.  Our love for someone cannot depend upon them changing to more closely reflect our expectations for them.  Either we love freely because we love, or there is something else going on in the relationship.

To do something someone else, a family member or friend, wants us to do when we honestly feel it is not something we want to do, can leave us feeling that we will lose their love or acceptance.  This is a strong inhibitor that can prevent us from clearly communicating why we choose to not comply. 

Expectations are often dressed up as “should.”  It is almost an absolute rule of thumb that the minute the word “should” is attached to a request or an action, we must step back and clearly consider the more subtle elements of such a request or action.  Are we doing it only because we were taught that we “should” do it?  Each of us must ask and answer this question for ourselves, but it awaits our consideration.

Most of us are familiar with the words of John Lydgate and adapted by Lincoln: 

You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

Expectations and shoulds are part of the problem that comes of saying yes when you really mean no.  Say what you mean and mean what you say!  This may not prevent every problem we have in our relationships or in our goals in life, but it will certainly free us from many of them.

A Wonderful Life!

I just returned from my morning walk through Greenway Park in brilliant sunshine and crystal clear blue skies.  Walking every day that I can gives my body a wonderful sense of renewal.  It is also a great time to let my mind be renewed as well.  It is one of those times, when I allow myself to experience it, that I open up to a wonderful barrage of thoughts and feelings that add yet another dimension to my day.

This morning I was aware of how grateful I am for my life.  Through the ups and downs I have been so fortunate to have more of the ups than the downs.  I have learned something from every friend I have met along the way.  Sometimes I feel them walking with me and we engage in conversations that are known only between us.  These are not memories of past conversations.  They are current, they are meaningful and sometimes they are simply for a good laugh over something we are sharing. 

I have also learned things from my family members.  These are, perhaps, the most meaningful memories, even though they occasionally are about the tough lessons we inevitably encounter as we build our relationships.  I had an uncle who used to tell my mother that if he had to live his life over again, he would do it exactly the same way!  My mother would counter that she certainly would not!  There I was exposed to two different ways of looking at my experiences and handling memories.  I used to feel strongly that my life events were exactly as they should be.  They were, after all, what brought me to this moment and if I was happy where I was, why would I want to do anything differently?

For whatever reasons and at some undefined point in my life I found that I wasn’t so sure that I needed to have all the experiences that I did.  There were times along the way that I definitely did not like where I was.  And yet, my thoughts, feelings and events had brought me there.  In reflection I needed to ask myself if I were simply being selective in my memories, accepting as real only those that I enjoyed.  Perhaps, but in looking at this apparent contradiction of mind I rest in the conviction that my life has been and is a wonderful adventure.  Whether I would do things differently given the opportunity, I would have to say I would.  But more importantly, I know that the effect of past events is good or bad only according to how I view and remember them. 

This morning, life is more than wonderful!  This morning I enjoyed walking with my friends and my thoughts.  I walked with my family and felt love for them and the wonderful way in which they are growing through life.  To have been, and be, a part of their lives is a blessing beyond description.  So no matter what other ways I might choose to examine my life, today life is wonderful in every respect!  I believe that knowing this is the best preparation for more days just like this one!

Does Love Conquer All?

The Bible is filled with the notion that love abides with us and comforts us in all circumstances.  Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (I Cor. 13) is one of the most treasured treatises on the subject.  Used in countless wedding ceremonies, the couple is encouraged to believe that no matter what may come up within their relationship, Love never fails. (Verse 8)  In his letter to the Romans Paul assures us that nothing shall be able to separate us from the love of God (Rom. 8:38,39).

Even with these assurances most of us, at one time or another, feel desperately unloved, uncared for and alone.  Families are the first line of support for most of us.  Our closest friends often provide a back up when it is difficult to find that support at home.  Of course we expect to be there for our loved ones and friends when they need someone to remind them that they are loved.  And we hope they will be there for us.  However, there are still times we will feel there is no one, no way, to recover from whatever it is that causes us to feel helpless or devoid of love.

The darkness that surrounds us at those times of despair is no less frightening and overwhelming than what the disciples of Jesus surely felt on that awesome Friday at his crucifixion.  Can you imagine the sense of loss they were feeling?  Even though He assured them, I am with you always, (Mat. 28:20) they could only see the loss.  Three days later, early in the morning, the sun shone in a new sky as Mary and others approached the tomb where they fully expected to find the body of Jesus. He was not in the tomb.  Now their despair was even deeper.  They could not even prepare his body for burial.  Then Mary turned and saw a person she assumed was the gardener.  It was Jesus!  They could not fully understand what was happening but within their hearts they somehow knew that all was well.

This story we celebrate at Easter is, among other things, the story of the absolute power of love to transcend loss and grief, despair and loneliness.  It is the story of hope and reassurance that regardless of appearances love abides, love transcends all limitation. This is, of course, a religious story.  It is one that has parallels in every major religion.  This might lead us to consider that the principle embedded within the story is something more than myth or legend.  Perhaps if we can find a way to believe there are answers, we will find them.  One thing seems certain to me.  Having even a remote hope is better than the downward cycle of despair that comes from not believing in the ultimate power of love.

I have been in that emotional, personal wasteland.  I have felt that deep despair that would seem to indicate there is no way out of the gloom.  It isn’t a pretty picture, is it?   I am so fortunate to have dear friends who, when all else failed, were there to assure me that I would get through those times.  These friends offered a variety of possibilities, mostly from their own experience in overcoming, but sometimes simply out of their own sense of also being alone.  Together we moved forward on the path. 

If you are feeling down right now, if you feel unloved and overwhelmed and alone, let me offer to be there for you.  I believe in the power of love to lift you, to change the path you are on that seems to be leading nowhere.  Let me assure you that even though fear may seem impossible to overcome, love never fails.  I love you!  The love within me is from an unconquerable Source and I give it all to you.  Take it into your heart.  You are not alone.  Even if you do not know me, even if you just happened to somehow find this blog article, there are no coincidences.  You are here because you are ready to experience the transforming power of love.  Be well, my friends!  Be well!

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers. nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God . . .

Romans 8:38, 39

Thoughts On Children

My grandson, Aubrey, and his wife, Becky, both of whom are in the Airforce currently stationed in Hawaii, are visiting this week. I picked them up at the airport in the early morning and after breakfast dropped them off at the car rental office so they could pick up their wheels of “independence.” I say independence because they have a long list of places to go and things to do, so I will probably only see them a few times during the visit. One place we are most likely to visit together is the Washington Park Zoological Gardens. (One has to check in to see how all the “relatives” are doing, you know!)

In between my attention to emails and other computer activities I began to think about children. As I did, I immediately focused my mind on one of my favorite photos of my son and daughter when David was five and Jennifer was two. It is this same photo that most often comes to my mind when I think of them. There is something so innocent, carefree and appealing to our children at those early ages. All their dreams are just beginning to take shape and the most important thing they have to do is have fun with their imaginings.

I cannot speak for all parents, of course, but I think many of us always hold on to a favorite image of our children, one in which they always are children. There is no intent to not recognize that they have grown up and are now living their own lives, probably with their own children and the memories that are just beginning to be stored away for later recollection. Rather, it is more the realization of how life unfolds from childhood, to adult, to parent, grandparent and maybe to doting patriarch or matriarch of a proud family. As I ponder this wonderful family pattern I am reminded of a favorite passage by Kahlil Gibran:

On Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

It takes great effort sometimes to really let our children go, to let them grow and become who they are destined to be, with their own set of values and priorities. Hopefully, some of the positive efforts we make as parents will assist them in the process of building the foundation for their lives. Remember, They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. As such, they have their own dreams from which they will build unique lives that bring blessings to all of us that would not exist without them.

When Others Are In Pain

We all have our painful times, whether physical pain or emotional pain.  We do our best to work through those times in order to return to a sense of well-being and harmony.  The natural state of being is health of mind and body and harmony in our worldly interactions.  Like a well-tuned instrument the melody of our lives sounds a true tone when we find ways to believe in our true state of Being.  Discord and inharmony in our life and affairs temporarily express when we lose our sense of centeredness in Spirit.  We are not always aware of the specifics of how we came to experience pain, but regaining our belief in our natural state will begin the process of healing.

Dealing with our own pain is one thing.  Dealing with the pain and suffering of friends and those we love is yet another.  We may feel helpless and impotent, not knowing how to be of assistance.  I have a friend going through chemotherapy right now.  It’s a tough haul for her.  What I feel I can do is to assure her of my caring and support the spark of healing life that I know is within her.  My daughter has dealt with several serious conditions over the years that have been painful and that sap her energy. Fortunately, she has been brought up to believe in her inner Spirit as a healing presence.  I know that has strengthened her in many ways as she deals with the conditions.

In our caring for others and wanting to assist them in their healing we need to “keep the high watch.”  For me this means seeing them as fully functioning, perfectly whole in mind and body and in harmony with the world around them and the people in it.  Too often we may feel caught up in sadness or fear about the conditions our friends and loved ones face because of the names we have attributed to those conditions. Naming a condition makes it appear even more powerful.

I remember years ago as a worker in Silent Unity, the 24-hour prayer department of Unity in Lee’s Summit, Missouri, when the Cancer Society started promotions highlighting the “seven danger signals of cancer.”  Once those promotions aired on TV, Silent Unity was flooded with prayer requests from people who feared they had one or more of those signs.  This is just one example of how fear can override our otherwise positive outlook on life.

We may never know the why we face suffering.  I do believe, however, that whatever conditions may come our way our indomitable spirit urges us forward, always toward life and wholeness.  Each step we take believing in that wholeness moves us closer to the full measure of its expression in mind, body and affairs.  This is how I choose to view my friends and loved ones always, not simply when they are in pain and suffering.  I support their faith in healing.  I encourage the innate healing urges within every cell of their bodies.  I believe, “Thy faith hath made thee whole.” (Luke 9:22)

The “Conditions” of “Unconditional Love”

Let me state at the outset there really are no conditions, yet we consider time, place, person, merit and a variety of other things as important in deciding to love someone. Even to say “regardless” of such and such is a condition.

I have been examining the concept of unconditional love a great deal in the last several months. My immediate family is a complete dysfunctional disaster! Member by member it has broken apart. Under the supposed auspices of “tough love” or “unconditional love” (with conditions) children have been thrown out into the world, parents have been disparaged and maligned. A total lack of effort to understand another or consider a situation from the other person’s viewpoint, has led to fragmentation.

As I look at my “family” now I realize it really does not exist in any real form. It is not simply that geographically we are spread all over the country. It is more the gulfs of discontent and hurt feelings that separate us. I have pretty much determined that I no longer have any family. I do not expect a change from my daughter and it is highly unlikely that my son will feel any further connection with me. I realize that these negative attitudes can be self-fulfilling and am working on transforming them into something positive. I constantly try to “listen” to the suggestions by my therapist about only taking actions or saying things that best model appropriate parental behavior. In other words, what best exemplifies the way a parent can support his/her children without at the same time giving up any sense of drawing a line over which they cannot pass in their emotional abuse. To what degree can I exhibit positive behavior and still feel safe in relationship with them?

On numerous occasions—on a daily basis—I have attempted to find the words to tell my children how much I love them, but after only a few sentences I find myself relying on the “conditions” for loving them. I have not resolved this and that is part of why I cannot yet write the letter expressing my love for them. I am still acutely afraid of the rejection and the ridicule that most likely would be sent my way, whether actually or only in their own minds.

What are some of the conditions that I find myself expressing? I suspect I am not alone in recognizing some of these. The biggie for many of us is determining who is at fault. “I could forgive you if only you would admit what you did was wrong.” Or perhaps it goes like this, “If you would quit blaming your upbringing for your not feeling loved, you would see that you are loveable.” Maybe for you it is, “If you were just a little more patient you might understand me better. Or, “If you would just try to communicate without judging me.”

These are just a few of the conditions that may be limiting our ability to express love unconditionally. Loving someone is just THAT! Love IS. It is that feeling of connection that transcends reasons. The minute we love someone BECAUSE, we have placed a condition upon that love. If the cause for loving them changes, then what about the love based upon that cause? You can see immediately, I hope, how complex the issue of loving unconditionally can be. However, the complexity is not in the concept, but in the interpretations and conditions we place upon the expression of the concept.

In my heart I am clear about loving my children, for example, without any conditions. In my heart that is relatively easy. As I look at my experiences with my son and daughter I realize that much of the water that has gone under the bridge in our relationships has been murky, sometimes flowing freely and other times stuck in the endless eddies that just keep going around in circles. For one reason or another we seem to get stuck in some memory or frustration or unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Breaking free of these backwater eddies is not usually accomplished by pretending we are not stuck. Often it takes a flash flood of some kind to break us loose from those limiting conditions. Even then, if we do not take advantage of the new freedom by changing our outlook, seeking to improve our state of mind and being, we can easily fall back into the eddies of limitation before we know it.

I continue my effort to understand and fully express unconditional love in all of my relationships with others, but in particular with my children. I will continue my efforts to put into words the essence of my unconditional love so I can tangibly share it with them when the time is right. I will remind myself daily that there are no conditions for unconditional love.