Engagement Is A Two-Way Effort

Not much new to say here except that if you want interaction with someone or some activity, it will require engagement.  By definition, engagement means interaction and involvement, which, of course, means taking part.  When you take part in something, you are engaged, involved.

There is a school of thought that suggests a person only has to do his/her personal inner work in order for relationships—with people or activities—to work out for the best.  In other words, it doesn’t make any difference what others do in that relationship or activity.  I am here to dispute this.  It DOES make a difference if others in a relationship or activity also DO something that shows their involvement.  All parties need to be engaged if a relationship or activity is to be resolved to the benefit of each of those parties.

You can do your work on your own.  You can gain a measure of satisfaction as you do your own work.  You can feel resolved.  However, a relationship involves more than one party, so it requires all parties to be actively engaged in securing the best possible outcome for each person.  The same is true for any activity involving more than one person.

You cannot make someone else engage.  When the other party or parties do not choose to engage, one of two things happens.  Either, it becomes clear that the relationship no longer exists in actual terms, so you turn your attention to releasing the other party.  Or, you hold fast to your work lovingly embracing the other party until such time as a light begins to dawn in his/her own mind and heart. That can lead to reaching back regardless of whatever risk one may feel.

In his book, “Anger,” Thich Nhat Hanh uses an example of a parent/child relationship to illustrate engagement.

My dear child, I know you suffer a lot.  For many years, you have suffered a lot.  When you suffer, I suffer, too.  How can I be happy when my child suffers? So I recognize that both you and I suffer.  Can we do something about it?  Can we come together and search for a solution?  Can we talk?  I really want to restore communication, but alone, I cannot do much.  I need your help. 

It is often a risk to reach out to another person with whom there has been a long-standing separation due to disagreements or other issues.  For satisfactory resolution for each party, sooner or later that risk may need to be taken.

The bottom line:  ENGAGEMENT IS A TWO-WAY EFFORT ultimately.  Until a way for engagement occurs, hold fast to your love and your dream of healing and happiness.  You will always benefit from your effort.

There Is Too Much Pain and Suffering

I can hardly see my computer screen for the tears.  Suffering seems rampant; needless suffering caused by inexcusable actions by an increasing number of people. 

I have just finished reading the entire 12-page letter written by the victim of the outrageous rape committed by Brock Turner, the Stanford University student, who felt privilege entitled him to brutalize a woman without penalty.  In my opinion, every male student entering any college should be required to read this letter and be tested on its contents.  Perhaps female students would be well served to do the same.  No, it will not stop the abuses, but it may bring a greater degree of sensitivity to what happens when alcohol enters the equation.  And, no, every rape is not the result of alcohol abuse.

For me, the anger I feel about the context of privilege versus victim makes me want to scream along with the victim of Brock Turner.  (Every time I type his name it seems an extra letter accidentally gets appropriately added:  Brock Turdner.)

To the pain and suffering all have experienced in this ordeal, we then add the ridiculous six-month sentence handed down by Judge Aaron Persky!  Certainly, one must not cause permanent damage to a star swimming athlete’s future.  After all, as Brock’s father so succinctly noted:  “That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life.”

Even one of the juror’s, a person who recently became a US citizen after living in this country for 30 years, wrote the judge regarding the relative light sentence compared to the severity of the crime.

There is too much pain and suffering.

And this is but one of the terrible events we are facing in what seems like a daily assault on our senses.  I do not need to list them here.  We all know what they are.  When are we going to “re-civilize” our society?  It is not enough for outrage to last a day or two.  We must return to teaching responsibility and being responsible.  The personification of “privilege” as a right will never be right.  We must respect and honor the dignity of EVERY PERSON.  Women are not sex objects to be fondled and raped because a male feels privileged to do so.  Minorities, of all types, are human beings to be respected for their beliefs and cultural practices.  I could go on and on with what we all know are the attitudes that we must recover and express if we are to remain human.

There is too much pain and suffering!

Please!  Please help to heal our hearts, minds and souls.

Tiny Beautiful Things, Revisited

As I was reviewing “hits” on my LifeCentering blog this morning, I noticed an article I posted in July 2012 had been visited by a reader  The article was my response to a book by Cheryl Strayed.   After looking at the post I decided to repost it, especially since Cheryl Strayed’s book, Wild: Lost and Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, was being made into a movie.  Reese Witherspoon is cast as Cheryl.  Some of you may be following her Facebook page and know the details.  https://www.facebook.com/CherylStrayed.Author

I found my comments from that post are still important to me today.  Maybe you will find the review helpful as well.

Tiny Beautiful Things

 

I know that some of you don’t really care about what I have read or why or how it affected me.  But some of you do.  It is to you that I write to let you know I just finished, Tiny Beautiful Things, by Cheryl (Dear Sugar) Strayed.  My previous article on this blog was primarily about the author’s book, Wild: From Lost To Found On the Pacific Crest Trail.  Dear Sugar was an advice column written by the author, who had remained anonymous until recently.  I read about her book, Wild, in our local paper and it was in that review that she “outed” herself as the person who had been writing the advice on love and life column for The Rumpus.net. 

Now why in the world would I, a retired person living alone, care at all about advice on love and life?  Actually, when I started reading the book, it was not because it consisted of many of the advice letters she had received and answered.  It was because of how impressed I was with her writing in general.  Since I consider myself a writer as well, I am interested in how other authors develop their ideas.  I knew from reading Wild that I would probably like her latest work.

In a way I was not surprised by the fact that her “advice” on love and life hit a resonant chord for me in so many ways.  I have had my share of love and life experiences and feel I learned something about myself in each of them.  However, I discovered new ways of looking at love and life, especially as I thought of the people I have loved and do love.  I never really felt I deserved to be loved.  Expectations about what could be or should be the way love works were never quite that way for me because of that lack of deserving.  I spent much of my time with a therapist trying to better understand the ways in which I really did deserve to be loved and to how love others.  I wish I could say I have finished that part of my learning experience.  I have not.

I still am unable to articulate what love is all about.  I know though that in the pages of this book I constantly gained insights that I strongly felt were representative of my needs and ways in which I could have done better in relationships and hopefully can apply from here on out to my friends and loved ones.  There is always something to learn.  Life is never finished and we should not delude ourselves into thinking that we have arrived at some exact point of conclusion (on any subject).

One very personal event in my life was touched upon in this book.  Some years ago I shared with my son something that I had felt about our relationship.  I told him that I felt he was my teacher.  How I stated that at the time is probably not how I actually felt it, but it was the clearest way I could say it at the time. Here in this book I gained a further insight to what I tried to convey to my son then.  Dear Sugar, in her response to “Living Dead Dad” said:

More will be revealed.  Your son hasn’t yet taught you everything he has to teach you.  He taught you how to love like you’ve never loved before.  He taught you how to suffer like you’ve never suffered before.  Perhaps the next thing he has to teach you is acceptance.  And the thing after that, forgiveness.

Love is such a powerful thing.  It will teach you whether you like it or not and whether you are ready or not.  What it will teach you is personal in every case.  Whether we will accept the potential lesson and move with it is up to each of us.  I will tell you this, you do not have to have all the answers about love and life in order to love and live!  Just do it for god’s sake!  Do it as best you can.  Love everyone and every experience that comes your way.  You will never regret having loved.  If you feel regret for having loved someone who did not love you back as you hoped, maybe there is another way to love that person without your expectation of the way it should be.  I don’t know how it will be for you, but I know each of us must keep loving and finding new ways to express love.  Otherwise, we are not truly living.

Cheryl Strayed pulled absolutely no punches in her advice.  She hit so hard it must have felt like literally being hit in the stomach for some of those who wrote to her.  It certainly knotted my stomach more than once. But, and this is a big but, she never attempted to belittle the writers no matter how apparently stupid, unforgiving or judgmental their attitude may have been.  And she always caressed softly with her words the tender spots they exposed so that each person could be receptive enough to fully consider the possibilities within their particular challenge.

I wish I could be as clear and caring and direct with love in my writing as Sugar is.  Maybe it is because I am a retired person living alone that this writer has come into my life.  I certainly feel uplifted and blessed by having her work in my library and in my consciousness.  Maybe you would like her too.

Tiny Beautiful Things

I know that some of you don’t really care about what I have read or why or how it affected me.  But some of you do.  It is to you that I write to let you know I just finished, Tiny Beautiful Things, by Cheryl (Dear Sugar) Strayed.  My previous article on this blog was primarily about the author’s book, Wild: From Lost To Found On the Pacific Crest Trail.  Dear Sugar was an advice column written by the author, who had remained anonymous until recently.  I read about her book, Wild, in our local paper and it was in that review that she “outed” herself as the person who had been writing the advice on love and life column for The Rumpus.net. 

Now why in the world would I, a retired person living alone, care at all about advice on love and life?  Actually, when I started reading the book, it was not because it consisted of many of the advice letters she had received and answered.  It was because of how impressed I was with her writing in general.  Since I consider myself a writer as well, I am interested in how other authors develop their ideas.  I knew from reading Wild that I would probably like her latest work.

In a way I was not surprised by the fact that her “advice” on love and life hit a resonant chord for me in so many ways.  I have had my share of love and life experiences and feel I learned something about myself in each of them.  However, I discovered new ways of looking at love and life, especially as I thought of the people I have loved and do love.  I never really felt I deserved to be loved.  Expectations about what could be or should be the way love works were never quite that way for me because of that lack of deserving.  I spent much of my time with a therapist trying to better understand the ways in which I really did deserve to be loved and to how love others.  I wish I could say I have finished that part of my learning experience.  I have not.

I still am unable to articulate what love is all about.  I know though that in the pages of this book I constantly gained insights that I strongly felt were representative of my needs and ways in which I could have done better in relationships and hopefully can apply from here on out to my friends and loved ones.  There is always something to learn.  Life is never finished and we should not delude ourselves into thinking that we have arrived at some exact point of conclusion (on any subject).

One very personal event in my life was touched upon in this book.  Some years ago I shared with my son something that I had felt about our relationship.  I told him that I felt he was my teacher.  How I stated that at the time is probably not how I actually felt it, but it was the clearest way I could say it at the time. Here in this book I gained a further insight to what I tried to convey to my son then.  Dear Sugar, in her response to “Living Dead Dad” said:

More will be revealed.  Your son hasn’t yet taught you everything he has to teach you.  He taught you how to love like you’ve never loved before.  He taught you how to suffer like you’ve never suffered before.  Perhaps the next thing he has to teach you is acceptance.  And the thing after that, forgiveness.

Love is such a powerful thing.  It will teach you whether you like it or not and whether you are ready or not.  What it will teach you is personal in every case.  Whether we will accept the potential lesson and move with it is up to each of us.  I will tell you this, you do not have to have all the answers about love and life in order to love and live!  Just do it for god’s sake!  Do it as best you can.  Love everyone and every experience that comes your way.  You will never regret having loved.  If you feel regret for having loved someone who did not love you back as you hoped, maybe there is another way to love that person without your expectation of the way it should be.  I don’t know how it will be for you, but I know each of us must keep loving and finding new ways to express love.  Otherwise, we are not truly living.

Cheryl Strayed pulled absolutely no punches in her advice.  She hit so hard it must have felt like literally being hit in the stomach for some of those who wrote to her.  It certainly knotted my stomach more than once. But, and this is a big but, she never attempted to belittle the writers no matter how apparently stupid, unforgiving or judgmental their attitude may have been.  And she always caressed softly with her words the tender spots they exposed so that each person could be receptive enough to fully consider the possibilities within their particular challenge.

I wish I could be as clear and caring and direct with love in my writing as Sugar is.  Maybe it is because I am a retired person living alone that this writer has come into my life.  I certainly feel uplifted and blessed by having her work in my library and in my consciousness.  Maybe you would like her too.

A Postscript Regarding Our Opportunity To Love Once Again

After writing this piece we all experienced the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado where 70 persons were shot and 12 died while attending the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises.  There is no way to deal with this horrible experience except to reach deep within our souls and find the strength of love that reaches out to enfold the families, friends and rescuers who need all the support we can give.  It is not a time to rant, rave or judge the aspects of this event.  Ultimately, there will be much discussion about many things that right now do not deserve our attention.  What is needed now is LOVE.  Love in your own way.  Surround Aurora with the light of your loving care and concern.  The members of this community will need our support for months to come, some even longer.  Love those who gave their lives to protect others whom they loved.  Love those who remain knowing the cost of that love.  LOVE!

Damn! It Has Happened Again

In the years I have been writing I probably have had one hundred first lines pop into my head.  Maybe two lines.  On rare occasions a whole concept emerges.

It happens like this.  I am sitting watching the news or a favorite TV show or reading a book.  Something triggers a thought and I know I have to write that down.  But first, I have to finish whatever it is I am doing.  Then it happens.  The first line is either gone or the story that was supposed to follow it doesn’t materialize as I hoped it would.

Well, here I am again with a first line.  No, I’m sorry.  That first line disappeared and I am stuck with the one you see at the head of this article. Damn!  It has happened again.  This time, however, I decided to go ahead and see if starting to write would reproduce the “creative” urge that first struck my consciousness just a short while ago.

What follows may turn out to be the ramblings of an aging person who cannot string even a few words together into a meaningful sentence, or if I am lucky, I may actually tell you what is on my mind.  Let’s see what happens next.

Every story has a beginning, a middle and an ending.  Without those three elements it is unlikely that what is written or told will make much sense.

Here is a beginning.

What I am generally feeling when the urge to write strikes is a connection or a lack of connection where I feel one should exist.  It may be about a person, an idea or an experience.  It surges up within me as strong emotions that are difficult describe, but clearly understood within my being.  I think one of the articles I have written in the past that most closely approximates those feelings was after I had watched the annual Kennedy Honors Program in 2006.  I wrote about the experience in my book, Moments.  After hearing the story of each of the honorees, I had almost indescribable feelings of love flood my whole being.  I felt a closeness, not only to the characterization of those being honored, but to my family members and friends whom I have loved through the years and the experiences we shared.  The connection was beyond my ability to put into words as clearly as I felt it.

For some, love is easy to understand.  It is something that is just there.  No explanations are needed and no qualifications are required.  Love is!  For others love may represent the toughest of times.  It may surround a loss of some kind.  It may seem unrequited, unfulfilled.  And for yet others there may be the tragedy of being so bound to another person that unbelievable abuse is tolerated until one somehow breaks free.  I know that not everyone will see these as examples of love, but for the person so involved at that particular time with their particular state of being, that may be all they know.

Here is the middle.

I have experienced many levels of love and loss.  I know I am not the only one who has. They have produced impressions on the slate of my soul that are like the certificates of accomplishment of a job well done or the scars of some abuse.  In all honesty I have to admit to recognizing the scars of some form of abuse, mostly those I have been responsible for inflicting, more than any supposed certificates of merit.  There are heavy emotions associated with those events.  I am sure the depth of the emotions has much to do with the fact that the experiences behind them are unresolved, unfinished.  What else could be the reason that they surface so emphatically that they sometimes bring tears to my eyes when they happen? 

I can hear someone out there saying, “For heaven’s sake, man, get a life!  Get over it.”  I hear you.  I know some of the many ways in which one could bind together these unraveled ends of life events and “get over it.”  After all, I have spent most of my life dealing with, exploring, using and enjoying a philosophy of life that seemed to bring results that satisfied.  Then the story line was interrupted and I have not yet been able to reconstruct the point at which the fabric of my life began to unravel.  So the healing has not come forth.  Worse than that, there are times I really don’t care.

This is where the ending should occur.

This is where I should be telling you how I worked everything out and remembered what was so important in the first place.  At the beginning of this article I said,  “I decided to go ahead and see if starting to write would reproduce the ‘creative’ urge that first struck my consciousness just a short while ago.”  Well, I never quite got back to where I thought I wanted to go.  The emotional content seemed to evaporate like a wisp of smoke.   Sometimes life is like that.  You think you are heading toward point A and somewhere along the path you change directions and are heading for point B without knowing if that is really where you intended or wanted to go.  There is a point C in the offing.  If I choose to head there, will it be where I hoped to go? 

As you may note, I have not succeeded in explaining, at least to my satisfaction, the emergence of the “connecting/disconnecting” emotions.  Such events will continue to come, I am certain, and I will continue to experience and attempt to understand them.  When the opening sentence, or paragraph, presents itself I will offer it an opportunity to take fuller form.  In the meantime . . .

My Long-Time Friend

I have a long-time friend whom I met (in this lifetime) back in the early 1980s.  We were married for ten years and have now been divorced for many years.  Shawn is one of those persons in life that once you meet you know you have always known her and will always travel with her through life times, no matter what events draw you close or tear you asunder. With deep passion we loved and with great heartbreak we fell apart.  But we have remained friends through it all.

This dearest of friends is now engaged in a struggle with cancer, among other health  challenges.  Her vital spirit is not dampened, but fear abounds as one might imagine.  She recently visited me because she felt I needed support.  She knew I was on the down side of depression.  She is like that.  She always knows.  And I always know about her.  I must share that I hurt so deeply for her and the pain and fear she is experiencing.  I can only do what I know to do and that is to love her and pray for her without end.

I can get all "metaphysical" about the philosophy of healing.  I can say that healing is the reality even
if the body is released and soul moves on.  For me, right now, even knowing that is little comfort.  I
share that belief with Shawn, but I know how hard it is to hear it--experience it--through the fear.

So, my readers and my friends, I ask you to support us both with your prayers for strength, life and courage.  I am eternally grateful!

To My Long-Time Friend
(Whom I Met Just Recently)

We are long-time friends, you and I,
Who met just recently.
Pasts and futures acknowledged
As one impacting play
Of knowing,
Forgetting,
Remembering.

Universes have we traveled together,
And many we wandered alone.
Yet in the heart-search that urged
Us forward
We have felt the closeness of our Spirits.

Whatever paths we ultimately may follow
As once again we seek our
Self-direction,
Our eyes now lock in single embrace,
A mutual eternity.

And in this now-moment we
Laugh again,
Cry again,
Love again—

I love you
My long-time Friend
Whom I met just recently!

Written for Shawn
February 1983

When Others Are In Pain

We all have our painful times, whether physical pain or emotional pain.  We do our best to work through those times in order to return to a sense of well-being and harmony.  The natural state of being is health of mind and body and harmony in our worldly interactions.  Like a well-tuned instrument the melody of our lives sounds a true tone when we find ways to believe in our true state of Being.  Discord and inharmony in our life and affairs temporarily express when we lose our sense of centeredness in Spirit.  We are not always aware of the specifics of how we came to experience pain, but regaining our belief in our natural state will begin the process of healing.

Dealing with our own pain is one thing.  Dealing with the pain and suffering of friends and those we love is yet another.  We may feel helpless and impotent, not knowing how to be of assistance.  I have a friend going through chemotherapy right now.  It’s a tough haul for her.  What I feel I can do is to assure her of my caring and support the spark of healing life that I know is within her.  My daughter has dealt with several serious conditions over the years that have been painful and that sap her energy. Fortunately, she has been brought up to believe in her inner Spirit as a healing presence.  I know that has strengthened her in many ways as she deals with the conditions.

In our caring for others and wanting to assist them in their healing we need to “keep the high watch.”  For me this means seeing them as fully functioning, perfectly whole in mind and body and in harmony with the world around them and the people in it.  Too often we may feel caught up in sadness or fear about the conditions our friends and loved ones face because of the names we have attributed to those conditions. Naming a condition makes it appear even more powerful.

I remember years ago as a worker in Silent Unity, the 24-hour prayer department of Unity in Lee’s Summit, Missouri, when the Cancer Society started promotions highlighting the “seven danger signals of cancer.”  Once those promotions aired on TV, Silent Unity was flooded with prayer requests from people who feared they had one or more of those signs.  This is just one example of how fear can override our otherwise positive outlook on life.

We may never know the why we face suffering.  I do believe, however, that whatever conditions may come our way our indomitable spirit urges us forward, always toward life and wholeness.  Each step we take believing in that wholeness moves us closer to the full measure of its expression in mind, body and affairs.  This is how I choose to view my friends and loved ones always, not simply when they are in pain and suffering.  I support their faith in healing.  I encourage the innate healing urges within every cell of their bodies.  I believe, “Thy faith hath made thee whole.” (Luke 9:22)

Maintaining the Body Infrastructure

In August 2008 I wrote a post on “The Infrastructure of Well-being” after a visit to my cardiologist’s office following the placement of a stent in my one remaining coronary artery around the heart. Yesterday I went for my one-year follow up and was pleased to find that my heart is still beating and the EKG showed no further problems. Seems like the blood is flowing to all parts of the body. Excellent!

It has been an interesting year since that hospital visit last July. I found myself faced with having to take specific steps to get off my duff and do some serious walking, bike riding and moderation to my diet. It was a struggle at first. My legs ached and my feet were sore. The good news was that I no longer had the stress in my arms that made them feel like water logged sponges. For the most part I maintained the exercise program and my twice-weekly aerobics class. However, I found myself tending to use excuses for not walking because it was too hot or too wet or . . . You know, don’t you, how easy it is to give up on something that seems to interfere with other things you want to do. I do faithfully attend my aerobics class because taking a class is one way I have found that is self-encouraging. I have an excellent instructor who is very well trained, especially in senior fitness. Also, I enjoy the others in the class all of whom sign up for every term and have since the class began several years ago.

Two weeks ago I needed some maintenance on my pickup. The shop I go to is in Tigard about five miles from where I live. I took the truck down, rode my bike back home (in the rain) and then rode it back again in the afternoon when the job was done. I am fortunate to have access to a wonderful park system that I could ride through for almost the whole trip. I had just a few blocks to go after I left the park.

After the riding experience I realized more clearly I had not been faithful to the maintenance of my own body infrastructure. I know I have to maintain my car so I do, but my body? Having been so healthy all my life I guess I figured it would just take care of itself. You would think I would know better—and I do. I simply had let excuses get in the way. I have just returned from my walk in the park today and decided I needed (for my benefit) to write this follow up to my story from last August.

I do not believe one needs to be a fanatic about taking care of oneself. I do think, especially as we age, that it is necessary to be more conscious of what we do to maintain our health. I also know that our emotional well-being plays a large part in how seriously we make the effort to take care of ourselves. For the year leading up to my operation, I really didn’t care much about anything. I had enough on my mind to just work through an emotional malaise that permeated almost everything in my life. The operation was a wake up call to decide whether I wanted to continue the not caring or whether I wanted to change my focus and determine to live, not simply exist taking up space, but live with purpose and enthusiasm.

That decision was a turning point that gave me a new outlook and some specific opportunities to enjoy my life. A special book[1] came to me that seemed written just for me. I have heard people say things like that many times, but this time I was saying and meaning it. After reading it three times, I found new answers to my questions each time. Subsequently, I attended a weekend workshop in Denver, based on the book, that furthered my effort to regain my balance physically and spiritually. (Go here to read my review.) I know what I experienced was personal and would not necessarily reflect how others might respond. What was important for me, though, was that it worked. It is much easier for me to stay on task with my interest in living and writing. I believe that my present course is assisting me blend my inner/outer self and bring mental/emotional balance.

Other books and articles have also found their way to me, always at just the right time. I took time out to return to the ocean where so much renewal takes place for me. In short, I got off my duff and took charge of my life again. Our lives will be profoundly blessed as we determine to consciously care about life, about our family and friends. I have found a new appreciation for old friends and new friends. They give me reasons to get up in the morning and want to “reach out and touch someone!” It seems the experience is reciprocal, because I find them reaching out to touch me too. All of these experiences are part of maintaining our body infrastructure. The body is only as healthy as its mental/emotional equivalent and that is something that is entirely within our direction.

_____________________________________
1 - The Matter Of Mind, by Djwhal Khul, through Kathlyn Kingdon

The Infrastructure of Well-Being

As I gazed out of the fourth floor window of the cardiologist’s office while waiting for the doctor, I noticed the freeway below and the various arterials leading to and from it. I couldn’t help but think of the circulatory system in the human body. I saw the cars on the freeway as the main blood flow to the primary parts of the body while the cars and trucks on the arterials were carrying that blood to the extremities and then back through the system so waste could be expelled. What a marvel the various systems of our bodies are!

My mind slipped back to a time nearly 40 years ago. It was a Sunday morning and I had just brought in the paper and was sitting at the desk in my office. As I started to look through the paper I gazed up and looked out the window at the cars driving along Colfax Avenue, a main east/west street in Denver. I imagined that the cars were like messages moving about in the body carrying information to various muscles, nerves and cells. It seemed to be an amazing insight. It supported my study of multi-dimensional aspects of reality from the microcosm to the macrocosm. The traffic systems laid out in our cities allowed people (messages) to get to all parts of the city. There are also the other systems as well: electricity, water and sewer. Everything a city needs to function is there. Everything our body needs to function has also been provided us in our very creation.

I thought how appropriate this “reminder” was for me coming at a time I was visiting the doctor following surgery to place a stent in the one remaining unclogged artery around my heart. When a city cannot maintain its infrastructure things begin to break down. When we neglect the infrastructure of our bodies, we also subject ourselves to the possibility of breakdown. Over the years I had neglected my body and disregarded the clear signs of problems. Having always been a Type A personality, half speed was never my game. Only as I began a serious practice of meditation and taught classes on the subject, did I begin to lesson the tense driving for accomplishment. I still moved faster than most people, but the change for me was noticeable.

After I moved on to other adventures in the business community I began to slip away from my meditation practice. Periodically, I would return to it, usually when I felt a need, or was looking for insights for exploring new possibilities. Finally, came a time of emotional upheaval unlike I had experienced before. The relationship with my children abruptly came apart. The “system” had broken down through a careless failure to recognize the signs and appropriately deal with them. For a year stress in my life built to the point where the heart finally yelled, “Stop!” There was no choice but to get the message.

So, here I am. As I wait for the doctor I have another moment of remembrance that gives me the opportunity to reflect on how I can better maintain my infrastructure of well-being and stay healthy. It will be a combination of cooperating with the medical community in whom I have placed part of my trust. It will also be a stronger commitment to meditation and mindfulness that keeps Spirit active in my mind and heart. I have begun the reconnecting with my daughter. The healing taking place in our relationship will most certainly add to the healing of my heart physically. I believe we will both benefit from the healing activity as we engage in maintaining the infrastructure of our well-being.

Emotional History and God’s Timing

I came across two short, but meaningful, writings a while ago when I first began seeking to find a way to deal with emotional loss in a relationship. I hope you will find the ideas as helpful as I did in my effort to reframe the references of my mind and heart. I apologize for not having the author information of "God's Timing." If any of you recognize it and can provide the information, I will add it. Thanks!

Now You See It, Now You Don’t

God leads me to still waters
That restore my spirit – Psalm 23

It doesn’t take very long for each of us to accumulate an emotional history. A child burns her hand on a stove and a fear of fire begins; in a tender moment, a hand is slapped and a fear of love begins. Our emotional associations and reflexes run deep. Often, the heart breathes beneath all our associations like a soft, sandy bottom waiting underwater.

Thus, to see ourselves clearly, we must try to still our associations till we are as transparent as a calm lake. When still enough and clear enough, others can also see through to our bottom. It makes love possible again. But paradoxically, when someone is moved to reach for us, their fingers stir things up, sending ripples everywhere, and we and they can often lose sight of what matters.

All this affirms the need to stay with our feelings long enough for the emotional associations—the ripples—to settle. No one can escape this. No matter how young or old you may be, no matter how innocent or experienced you are, if you’ve been awake and alive and in any kind of relationship that has in any way been real, your waters will stir, your emotions will ripple. It seems the only way we can truly know our own depth is to wait for our associations and reflexes to subside, till we are clear as a lake again. Only when what gets stirred up settles can we see ourselves and each other clearly.

Breathe slowly, and allow your agitations of heart to come and go with each breath.
Breathe steadily, and try to outwait your reflexes to be angry or anxious or envious or resentful.
Breathe evenly, and with each exhalation try to feel the depth of heart that waits below.

-- From “Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo

God’s Timing

When the lip is cut, no matter how, the need to heal makes us chew slower, and drink to one side. It makes us speak only when we have something to say. These are not bad things.

When the mind is cut, by a truth too sharp to hold, it makes us bleed the things we cling to. If lucky, we bleed the things that no longer work.

When the self others have sealed us in is cut, it lets us escape with only what we were given at birth.

While there are terrible ways to be opened, there is no such thing as a bad opening. It’s all about God’s timing. Not open enough and we fester. Open too long and we become a wound.

If you speed up how a flower blooms, it appears to be escaping. If you slow down the way a crisis explodes what we know, it appears we are transforming.

Hard as it is to embrace, crises are flowers opening what we refuse to open by ourselves.

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Many thanks to a long-time friend who shared these insightful writings with me. How fortunate we are to have such friends. They walk with us free of judgment, filled with understanding, and supportive of the best within us that we may lose sight of in the rippled waters of our life.

-- Dan Perin