Moving Beyond the Hurt

One of the possibilities that occur in relationships is that we will experience hurt.  For some hurt comes early in life as a result of uncaring or immature parenting.  For others hurt may come from the breakup of a first love.  Then there are those of us who seem bent on creating circumstances that can have no outcome other than being deeply hurt and scarred for life. 

Mark Nepo, in “The Book of Awakening,” suggests that there are many ways in which we may discover how to get beyond a hurtful experience.  He says that like a radio that can only receive one station at a time, we may think there is only one way to resolve a difficult relationship.  In reality there are many stations being broadcast at the same time, but we choose the one we are listening to.  Further he states:

“. . . compassion is a deeper thing that waits beyond the tension of choosing sides (choosing a station).  Compassion, in practice, does not require us to give up the truth of what we feel or the truth of our reality.  Nor does it allow us to minimize the humanity of those who hurt us.  Rather, we are asked to know ourselves enough that we can stay open to the truth of others, even when their truth or their inability to live up to their truth has hurt us.”

As a principle of faith, I accept that feeling hurt is a choice I make in how I respond to a hurtful experience with another person.  The fact is, in such a situation we are in pain.  We will stay in that pain until we decide we have had enough it and move on.  Life does not consist only of that particular hurtful experience for any of us.  It is up to us to decide that there are other parts of our life that we can pay attention to that will allow us a momentary change of perspective.  If, in that more serene moment, we can focus our attention on the power of compassion, we will find that we have changed the station to which we are listening.  We hear life in a different way and our pain will recede.

Compassion takes us to another level of our experience of relationship.  It does not take sides in the issue.  Rather we are then in a position to reaffirm our truth and our reality while at the same time recognizing there is a truth the other person is attempting to express.  Life does not require that we all share the same truth.  In fact, individuality requires of us a separate but equal reality.  It is when we judge what the “equal” notion should be that we get into trouble.  We have an equal right to see our reality in our own way and to live with the consequences.

Moving past the hurt will eventually require of us some action.  Hurt does not go away by ignoring it.  It simply falls into the deeper recesses of our consciousness.  That is why some situation from our past may suddenly surface for seemingly no reason.  A current event is like the straw that breaks the camel’s back.  That has happened to me, as I am sure it has for others.  I felt that was what surfaced for a friend when I attempted to share the excitement about an experience I was having.  The truth of my experience as I saw it was one thing.  The truth of the other person clearly saw something quite different.  I was staggered at first and my own past hurts began to surface with the accompanying anger.  At first it was easy to blame my feelings on the action of the other person.  Fortunately, I did not respond out of the environment of the now surfaced anger.  Instead, through working with the facets of the relationship in my mind and heart I found the compassion Mark Nepo wrote about.  The anger was the first to go after that.  Then I realized I had no reason to be hurt.  The truth of my experience was still real, still true.  I was able to return to the joy and satisfaction of my life.

It is not always easy to let go of the things that we feel have produced hurt in our lives.  The choice is ours whether we let go or not.  No matter how remote some of those other stations are that are broadcasting, we owe it to ourselves to search for them.  Tune into the one(s) that bring you to those peaceful moments where you can see things more clearly and resolve any issue that has produced hurt.

 

The Set of the Sails

In 1916 Ella Wheeler Wilcox wrote the poem in which she tells us:

One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
'Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.

I don’t know when I was first impressed with her thoughts, but I know it was in my early years, perhaps when I first started studying metaphysics.  I also seem to remember it being recited to me by my mother, who had also studied metaphysical thought.  It became a personal mantra as I began my ministerial career.

Today, the poem came to mind again, one of those “out of the blue” moments.  I found myself thinking about persons I have known who seem to have an inordinate number of crises in their lives, and who never had the opportunity to imbed the philosophy of self-direction.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to lead them to consider how they could take more control in their lives and thus have better outcomes during times of challenge.  Actually, unless one is a qualified psychologist or therapist, it is probably not your responsibility to point this out to anyone.

My point is that I have to continue to remind myself of this principle of self-determination.  It is not easy.  When something goes wrong it is much easier to place the blame on circumstances “beyond our control” or, worse, to blame another person.  I am reminded of a professor who used to take advantage of every opportunity to remind his students that, “when you point a finger at someone else, three are pointed back at you!”  After hearing this in many of his classes, I would find myself chuckling at it as if to simply dismiss it as a platitude, not really meant to make a difference in one’s life.

The truth is, for me at least, that it really does make a difference.  If we always find some way to make someone else responsible for our problems, it is unlikely we will ever come to a point of feeling we can change the way things are.  Conversely, if we accept that we have much more control over our lives than we may think, we can begin to see ways we can actually do something to bring about successful results.  One thing is for sure, as long as you feel you don’t have the power to change your life, you won’t.

We have all recently witnessed the tragic 9.0 earthquake and subsequent tsunami in Japan.  As if that was not enough terror “beyond their control,” then came the nuclear reactors failing endangering the populace with radiation poisoning.  News reports of how the people of Japan met these disasters ranges the whole gamut of emotions, but it was also clear that the Japanese culture is one that places personal responsibility high on their list of priorities.  This does not mean they are responsible for the challenges.  It is a case of their accepting the responsibility to choose how they react.  They worked together to assist others even when they had nothing left of their own.  Brave men chose to be on the front lines fighting the reactor melt down.  This is how you take responsibility for your life (while at the same time helping others).

Hopefully, we will not have to face such dramatic events where our actions become reactions based on the personal belief systems we have already developed.  Wherever each of us is right now, we can begin to build the “I Can” attitude about the simple events we experience, like hurt feelings, broken promises, unmet expectations.  In each of these cases we can decide how we will respond.  Each time we choose not to react and strike out at those we may have felt were responsible for the actions, we get stronger in our sense of self-reliance.  From that strength we can express love and forgiveness.

Tis the set of the sail.

I Have Broken My Own Rules!

I have broken my own rules! In previous articles I have suggested we should never part from our loved ones without a hug and “I love you.” I have suggested that our last words to someone or from someone should be positive (His Last Words to Me). Another opportunity may not come about.

I broke these rules recently when circumstances were such between my son and his wife and me that there was no opportunity or willingness to hug. There was no atmosphere in which the warmth of love could be expressed.

Under these circumstances the “I love you” would have sounded hollow and may even have been ridiculed by the person toward whom I would have directed them. It would have probably been seen as hypocritical.

Now I am faced, as many of us sometimes are, with attempting to understand what I could have, should have, done differently. The path of least resistance would dictate blaming the other person in some way. Even if I were able to absolutely know that what someone else did had set in motion the breakdown of the situation, SO WHAT? Is the situation somehow improved now that I have determined who is at fault? I don’t think so!

Let there be no misunderstanding about one thing: in a disagreement between two or more persons there are always at least two sides and those sides are not necessarily right and wrong. Placing blame makes someone appear wrong even if that is not the case. So if I want to move toward reconciliation, I must drop the blame game. I may not at this time be ready to reconcile with the other persons. Still, placing blame puts reconciliation farther from my reach than if I were simply to decide to take a breather. Cool down. Take whatever time I needed—an hour or a year. But I cannot consider it really resolved until peace between us is established. This peace may require that it be defined differently than the usual meaning. Peace, as the absence of turmoil, is not good enough, ultimately. Agreeing to disagree amicably is better, but still leaves a sense of dissatisfaction. Somehow I must love what is and remember that love is only love when it is unconditional. And that is true for all parties. It is only as I can accept another for who he/she is without requiring them to meet my arbitrary standards of behavior that the playing field is level. Hopefully, the other person can look at me in that same way, but whether he/she does or not is none of my business.

I know how difficult this is going to be! I am looking at a disagreement for which my only answer at this time is to get the hell out of the way! This is what I have done. Now I can examine the results of breaking my own rules with some degree of objectivity that can come from distance. Some might say this is a cop out, and that I am not really dealing with the problem, that I am running rather than facing the issues. That may be true. However, as I said, I am not ready to deal with it any other way.

There are two other persons who are part of this issue. On the surface it would appear I cannot reconcile with one without reconciling with the other. I am far from being able to see that happen.

Reaching this apparent impasse in my relationships reveals to me that I need assistance from a third party, an objective counselor, to help bring to light aspects of my behavior I may not have recognized. Walking the road alone can be fraught with pitfalls. Where is the mirror in which I can observe who I am and how well I may be handling the attempt at resolution? While we all have marvelous inner abilities and reserves to meet every challenge, sometimes those abilities are clouded by anger, frustration and blame. Still, within each of us exist the strength to hold on where necessary and the humility to let go of the ego that fears failure. Finally, there is the unbounded love capable of embracing the God-Spirit in others without conditions.

Again, let me repeat: sometimes we are just not ready to take any outer steps toward reconciliation and resolution. At this point, it is difficult for me. I know I have to get there sometime though. Getting there may mean letting go completely of someone I love, or someone for whom I just cannot break through to sufficiently understand. Love is not so much the question here for me as acceptance. When one does not feel accepted or accepting of others there is little basis for communication among “equals.”

Anyone who is in our life at any given time may not always be there. In fact, it is most likely that folks will come and go under a variety of circumstances. We have these “connections” with others because there are things to discover about ourselves and how we can best develop our potential or assist others develop theirs. We are not equally attracted to everyone or for the same reasons. How long a person remains in our circle of relationships is not the determinate of their value or ours nor do the kind of experiences we share make either of us “good” or “bad” persons. It simply recognizes the potential opportunity in our learning process. Share and learn what you can from these relationships and move on, friend!

Moving on with help is what I am going to do now. I am trusting that I will get to that place where my mind and heart can again be open, where I can give full expression to the unconditional love needed in my family relationships. Whether this is the correct course of action for me to take at this moment, only time will tell. I know that as I continue to create my personal reality I must be positive and loving and at the same time seek to express those qualities with increased discrimination, clarity, strength and trust.

You might ask why I share this challenge with you. Every article I have written has come out my personal experience. That is what I know something about. Sometimes I do well and do it quickly and sometimes it takes longer because I don’t do as well. In any case it may be helpful to others to follow along as I learn to process these experiences and come to understand how to bring about healing. Certainly, that is my hope.