Saying Yes When I Mean No

 

It seems so much easier to just say “Yes” to someone or some thing than to risk disappointing or upsetting that person.  But when we really mean “No,” and still say “Yes,” everyone ultimately ends up disappointed and we, especially, feel we have broken some cardinal rule by not going along.  Subsequently, we may develop feelings of guilt.

Much of the confusion that arises when we develop a habit of not responding in a manner that reflects our honest desire is due to the sets of expectations we hold in mind.  We have certain expectations of ourselves, sometimes without realizing we do.  We expect to be a good person, to respect others, to want to be there for them.  Failing, in our mind, to honor these expectations can make us feel unworthy or can lead us to fear we will not be loved.

It is also true that others have expectations that may or may not be obvious to them or to us as we interact with them.  Without saying so clearly a person may harbor an expectation that we will take some action or perform some act that they think they need us to do for them.  It is clear how the unspoken expectation can lead to disappointment and perhaps even more serious frustration that damages the relationship.

In The Book of Awakening the author, Mark Nepo, writes of this conflict:

And how many times, once trained in self-sacrifice, do we have the opposite conversation with ourselves; our passion for life saying yes, yes, yes, and our practical guardedness saying, don’t be foolish, be realistic, don’t leave yourself unprotected.  But long enough on the journey, and we come to realize an even deeper aspect of all this:  that those who truly love us will never knowingly ask us to be other than we are.

The unwavering truth is that when we agree to any demand, request, or condition that is contrary to our soul’s nature, the cost is that precious life force is drained off our core.  Despite the seeming rewards of compliance, our souls grow weary by engaging in activities that are inherently against their nature.

He also mentioned how he realized his first marriage was a case of saying yes when he meant no.  Especially when we are young, having been brought up to think and act in a certain way, we may confuse doing the “right” thing for someone else with the “wrong” thing for ourselves.  Until we recognize the need to be true to ourselves, we will fail at being true to others.  More importantly, we will fail to find the happiness and fulfillment that we seek.

Then there is the whole issue of doing things we believe will earn the love of someone important in our lives.  Love does not exist because you do or do not do something for that person.  Our love for someone cannot depend upon them changing to more closely reflect our expectations for them.  Either we love freely because we love, or there is something else going on in the relationship.

To do something someone else, a family member or friend, wants us to do when we honestly feel it is not something we want to do, can leave us feeling that we will lose their love or acceptance.  This is a strong inhibitor that can prevent us from clearly communicating why we choose to not comply. 

Expectations are often dressed up as “should.”  It is almost an absolute rule of thumb that the minute the word “should” is attached to a request or an action, we must step back and clearly consider the more subtle elements of such a request or action.  Are we doing it only because we were taught that we “should” do it?  Each of us must ask and answer this question for ourselves, but it awaits our consideration.

Most of us are familiar with the words of John Lydgate and adapted by Lincoln: 

You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

Expectations and shoulds are part of the problem that comes of saying yes when you really mean no.  Say what you mean and mean what you say!  This may not prevent every problem we have in our relationships or in our goals in life, but it will certainly free us from many of them.

Who or What Is At My Door?

At the recent Peace Convocation Master Djwhal Khul suggested that our every experience is a door and that as we pass through that door we will see Who or What is showing up to offer us a learning experience.  All too often, however, we are more concerned with what appears in the doorway than in what the opportunity may be.

As we work our way through life seeking to better understand who we are and what our purpose is in this experience, we always hope that when we open the door a messenger of glad tidings will appear to grant us some gift for the good job we have done so far.  While there may be a gift to be received, we usually find it in a container wrapped in papers and obscured from easy view.  Until we actually clear away the wrapping and explore the container, we cannot see what the gift is.  Sometimes our expectations of what is in the container get in the way of enjoying what we finally discover our gift to be.

For example, I have found that as I have worked my way through a tangle of family relationships over the last several years I came to expect that when I opened the door everything would be just fine.  There would be smiles and hugs and joy in greeting each other as if arriving for a gala family reunion.  My expectation of how that would appear got in the way of seeing what was actually there—a tentative, but deliberate beginning to see each other in a new way rather than in the old and negative way that had begun the tangled web of unhappiness.

I understand the positive thinking aspect of expecting the good.  I accept the importance of building such positive attitudes in order to develop a consciousness of attraction.  I also understand that sometimes what we think of as expecting the good goes no further than being excited about the wrapping paper on the box concealing what our real experience is all about.

So, Who or What is really showing up at my door?  Are my buttons still being pushed by the presence or actions of others?  What is that telling me?  How am I going to take the next steps to resolve the karma in this situation and with these persons?  I can only conclude at this time with the degree of understanding I currently have, that only unconditional love is the answer.  Unconditional love is not based on what the other person does.  Unconditional love flows outward to bathe all persons and all situations with the bliss of knowing no power can quench it, no wall can withstand it, no heart can fail to embrace it.  It is not my job to figure out how that will be.  It is my job to welcome Who and What is at my door with that flow of love and joy.

The Clash of Expectations

Like many of us I have mostly my own experiences from which to draw the lessons of life. If I allow myself to be open to the lessons as they come along, I will most likely find satisfying growth as the outcome.

One of the life lessons that I have had many opportunities to face through the years is that of competing expectations between two or more persons. It is not that people start out to compete. It is that more often than not, when a project goes awry it turns out those engaged in it had different expectations of what was to be done, how it was to be done and who was going to do it. When you get right down to it, they may not really agree on what the goal was in the first place.

When this difference in expectations surfaces (and it almost always will be a surprise) it can be devastating to the project and the relationships between those involved. Sometimes the blowup can scatter the emotions, the respect and the trust one person has for another. If this happens, it is essential to find a way to defuse the negative energy so as to not destroy the connection with the other person or the project.

If what you were attempting to accomplish is worth doing, it is worth doing well. Find a way to resolve the problem. Find a way to be the agent of change by returning to your spiritual center point for clarity of your purpose. In finding and reaffirming your purpose you will be in a better position to communicate it to your partners. They will then be in a better position to share theirs with you. It really only takes one person in a group to get clear for others to begin to clarify their own views. Then communication can begin on a new level of respect and trust.

How to accomplish this “fix” is not as difficult as one might think. At first you may feel threatened. Your body may actually shake with fear of losing something important—a friendship or a dream. Take a deep breath! Remember the idea and creative energy that brought forth this project, that brought you together with the others involved. There was a feeling of confidence, trust and a willingness to risk together. That really has not changed even though a disparate vision of the project may have surfaced. With that deep breath re-envision your dream and your positive relationship with your partners. With that deep breath reaffirm your belief in your ability to clearly communicate with the others sharing this dream.

Families often encounter situations where different expectations surface. We move along together, often assuming we are each seeing things the same way and want the same results. The fact of the matter is no two of us ever see things exactly the same way. Think for a moment of two people standing ten feet apart and looking at some object, such as an automobile. One might see the front grill, the other may be looking at the doors on the side of the car. Same car, different viewpoint. Once we realize we have the same general goal or vision, we can agree to examine each other’s particular insight about it.

One key is being honest in your dealings with family or partners. You cannot pretend to be working together or sharing a dream when you really are not. It is better to say, “That is not my dream. That is not what I want to be doing.” Do not lead others to believe you are sharing something in common. Once it is established that you have separate goals or priorities you can honor the choice you each have made and go on about your own dream.