One of the possibilities that occur in relationships is that
we will experience hurt. For some hurt
comes early in life as a result of uncaring or immature parenting. For others hurt may come from the breakup of
a first love. Then there are those of
us who seem bent on creating circumstances that can have no outcome other than
being deeply hurt and scarred for life.
Mark Nepo, in “The Book of Awakening,” suggests that there
are many ways in which we may discover how to get beyond a hurtful
experience. He says that like a radio
that can only receive one station at a time, we may think there is only one way
to resolve a difficult relationship. In
reality there are many stations being broadcast at the same time, but we choose
the one we are listening to. Further he
states:
“. . . compassion is a deeper thing that waits beyond the tension of choosing sides (choosing a station). Compassion, in practice, does not require us to give up the truth of what we feel or the truth of our reality. Nor does it allow us to minimize the humanity of those who hurt us. Rather, we are asked to know ourselves enough that we can stay open to the truth of others, even when their truth or their inability to live up to their truth has hurt us.”
As a principle of faith, I accept that feeling hurt is
a choice I make in how I respond to a hurtful experience with another
person. The fact is, in such a
situation we are in pain. We will stay
in that pain until we decide we have had enough it and move on. Life does not consist only of that
particular hurtful experience for any of us. It is up to us to decide that there are other parts of our life
that we can pay attention to that will allow us a momentary change of
perspective. If, in that more serene
moment, we can focus our attention on the power of compassion, we will find
that we have changed the station to which we are listening. We hear life in a different way and our pain
will recede.
Compassion takes us to another level of our experience of
relationship. It does not take sides
in the issue. Rather we are then in a
position to reaffirm our truth and our reality while at the same time
recognizing there is a truth the other person is attempting to express. Life does not require that we all share the
same truth. In fact, individuality
requires of us a separate but equal reality.
It is when we judge what the “equal” notion should be that we get into
trouble. We have an equal right to see
our reality in our own way and to live with the consequences.
Moving past the hurt will eventually require of us some
action. Hurt does not go away by
ignoring it. It simply falls into the
deeper recesses of our consciousness.
That is why some situation from our past may suddenly surface for
seemingly no reason. A current event is
like the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
That has happened to me, as I am sure it has for others. I felt that was what surfaced for a friend
when I attempted to share the excitement about an experience I was having. The truth of my experience as I saw
it was one thing. The truth of
the other person clearly saw something quite different. I was staggered at first and my own past
hurts began to surface with the accompanying anger. At first it was easy to blame my feelings on the action of the
other person. Fortunately, I did not
respond out of the environment of the now surfaced anger. Instead, through working with the facets of
the relationship in my mind and heart I found the compassion Mark Nepo wrote
about. The anger was the first to go
after that. Then I realized I had no
reason to be hurt. The truth of
my experience was still real, still true.
I was able to return to the joy and satisfaction of my life.
It is not always easy to let go of the things that we feel
have produced hurt in our lives. The
choice is ours whether we let go or not.
No matter how remote some of those other stations are that are
broadcasting, we owe it to ourselves to search for them. Tune into the one(s) that bring you to those
peaceful moments where you can see things more clearly and resolve any issue
that has produced hurt.
