Getting Beyond “I don’t WANT to.”

A number of weeks ago a friend sent me a saying she liked and thought I might.  It was:

I don’t WANT to,

I don’t HAVE to,

You can’t MAKE me . . .

I’M RETIRED!!!

Maybe it was because it resonated with my frame of mind at the time, but I DID like it.  In fact, I immediately made it into a small poster, printed it and posted it on the wall in front of my computer where I saw it every time I was at the keyboard.

One of the reasons it resonated with me at the time was the fact of the growing discord in our societal “conversations.”  It seemed to me no one was listening to anyone else.  We each were shouting our opinions as though we were the only voice that counted. These were not only the voices of individuals, family members and friends, but also of the media and the politicians. The fact is that they had long since ceased to be “conversations” and were, for the most part, simply diatribes of complaint and finger-pointing.  I definitely didn’t WANT to continue being part of that frustration, but I was!

Then, this morning I received one of those innocuous email forwards.  At first I thought, “Here’s another one!”  The email referred the reader to a blog page, “Confessions of A Confetti Head.”  The first paragraph got me.

Where does REAL personal change come from? You know, the kind that puts you into a tailspin with profound “AHAs.” The kind that after you come back to Earth, you say, “WOW! That was AMAZING!” and from that moment on, you are different. You are different in ways that you may have struggled with for years, or even your entire life.

As I read on I discovered that the author had many degrees, had become certified in many human potential techniques, and yet still felt a distinct schism in her psyche.  With all she knew about living and how well qualified she felt to live life fully, she also “struggled with a dual experience of myself as dynamic and capable on one hand and invisible, unworthy, and less than on the other hand.”   I could also identify with those feelings of a strange inadequacy to really make a difference, to be heard above the din of angry confrontation and lack of civility. Who wants to listen to me?  (Also, who do I want to listen to?)

Personally, I have found myself echoing and believing the “I don’t want to” attitude about life.   What’s the use, I thought.  It is not a pleasant place to be when that is the way one thinks and feels about life.  In that place you feel like a voice crying in the wilderness, hoping the deaf will hear and the blind will see.  They don’t and they won’t as long as we cannot respect and accept our differences.  If this country stands for anything, it is the rights of each of us to be whom we are, and to recognize that right in every other American.  Remember, we ALL came from somewhere else (except for the Native Americans).

Somehow, I thought to myself, I have to get beyond these feelings of not wanting to participate in a world gone crazy.  I cannot hide away in a cave (as much as I would like to at times) and pretend there is nothing to be done, no way to make things better.  I do know I cannot change anyone else.  Great gravy!  It’s almost impossible to change myself.  What in the world makes me think I should even want to try to change anyone else?

I cannot help but remember an experience I had years ago that provided a profound example of what can happen when one decides to change his/her attitude.  I had felt deeply hurt by a situation that occurred.  I felt so angry that I defiantly told myself I didn’t even want to want forgive the other person.  Over a period of time working on that situation I came to a point where I realized I wanted to want to forgive the person.  Finally, I wanted to.  At last, after much work in prayer an objectively discussing the problem with those whose opinions I valued, I did forgive!  In that moment I was totally free from the negative power of the original event.

I wish I could say that overcoming that situation took me beyond ever feeling hurt again or angry and unforgiving.  It didn’t.  Life is not a matter of overcoming one situation and forever being free of challenges.  The most we can expect from meeting a challenge is to understand the process fully enough to use that knowledge to meet subsequent challenges. 

There is only one way, really, to get beyond “I don’t WANT to”.  You have to WANT to.  That is where real personal and societal change will come from.  It is my hope that our society will get beyond the anger and frustration that so many feel.  I suspect that once the midterm elections are over and the politicians have little more to gain from milking the adversity to their advantage that things will settle down for a month or so.  Of course, then the REAL election effort begins and we can return to accusing one party or the other of misleading us, being dishonest, baiting the divisive tendencies in those subject to such efforts and generally further destabilizing our sense of connectedness.  You see where this is going, right?

Champions

As I was watching the Olympics programming recently it seemed to me that I should write something about champions. I listened to the commentators tell of some of the challenges Olympic competitors have gone through in order to simply get to the Olympics, let alone contest for a medal placement. To the greater number of participants who will not achieve medal recognition, l commend them for their effort. I could not imagine myself racing downhill on icy slopes at 90 miles per hour! Great heavens! How can anyone have the courage to embrace such a feat? Many have struggled for years with broken bones and bodies through rigorous training just so they could realize the dream of being there!

We all know, they all know, that everyone cannot win a medal. We may have our favorites; the ones we follow and hope will win the honors. That is part of the sport. The competition would be much less satisfying without the audience. I was thrilled as Shaun White gained the gold for his half-pipe snowboard feats. I watched with some trepidation as Lindsay Vonn catapulted in the downhill after several of those who preceded her crashed violently, fortunately without serious injury. Even in figure skating there is the constant possibility of missing the triple axle and especially the quad, if it is attempted, and seriously injuring the body. In a half-split second the athlete’s life can hang in the balance. And yet they courageously continue to compete, to reach for the excellence that will be rewarded by a simple medal and the playing the nation’s national anthem.

It is important that we have the opportunity to view and to participate in challenging sports events. We are reminded, if we look, that great effort precedes success in sporting events. Individual excellence and team excellence comes at a high price of years of work, planning, devotion and courage to extend beyond the norm. Indeed, excellence implies something beyond the norm.

Today I received another of those emails that cries out to be shared. Even though I try to be judicious in what I send on to others, the one I received today accompanying my Olympics viewing, showed yet another form of excellence and courage. It demonstrates an extraordinary ability to overcome the severest of challenges. I invite you to view this video clip. Even if you have seen it before, it is well worth another view. 

http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html 

You tell me. Who are the champions and what makes them so? I believe that to the extent I am able to identify with the courage, perseverance and success of these outstanding athletes and apparently disadvantaged persons, I, too, can become a champion in my own life. I may not ski the slopes or do fantastic half-pipe maneuvers, or even skate in a steady line without falling. But if I can dream, if I can believe, if I will practice courageous thinking and living, I will surmount the challenges I face, whatever they may be. My challenges fade quickly as I realize what so many others have faced and overcome. We are all capable of bringing forth our champion characteristics and I honor and praise the champion within each and every one of us!

Trails, Paths and Forks in the Road

I recently went to one of my favorite parks where I could enjoy the tall fir trees, shady trails and sunlit ponds and streams. The Tualatin Hills Nature Park has numerous trails, some of which are paved and nice for bicyclists as well as walkers. Then there are the winding dirt and gravel side trails that meander more deeply among the bushes, trees and open areas. I have gone to this park many times and always try to take visitors there as well. While there are some small hills, the whole area is easily traversed by just about anyone.

And as is my usual planning (read, lack of) I just decided to get away from my computer and go. Of course, this day is another one of those record high temperature days for the Portland area. I think it was about 93 degrees. But then, what the hey, it will be shady in the forested park. It was, but it was still hot and I still enjoyed it.

A thought kept running through my mind as I hiked along, stopping to take pictures of the trails and pathways, and especially of the wooden bridgework that spanned the many wetland areas. At each fork in the path I thought of how we are constantly dealing with forks along our life pathways. In fact I wrote about it some time ago in one of my former newsletters.

For most of the time our life path is broad and easy to follow, much like our major freeway network that crosses the country. Once you are on it, you pretty much can go nonstop to your destination—almost. I don’t know of any freeway that goes directly to someone’s house or ends in the parking lot of a major shopping center, or even a downtown hub. To get to these places you have to take an exit ramp that leads to a smaller, often more congested boulevard or street. Sometimes you even have to make further turns onto even less traveled roads. This is particularly true if your destination is a campground in the mountains or along the beaches.

I couldn’t help but think of this as a metaphor for life. There are those who say that life is like a school. You are here to learn lessons, to figure out what you need to do to grow and manifest happiness, health and success. From my experience it seems that I grow the most through the decisions I make, the choices of which roads to travel. I have made my share of “wrong” turns as I am sure you have. But, I have usually found my way back to the main road, trail or pathway. I think the fact that I am here writing this article shows I did make my way back home!

As I walked through the Nature Park on this occasion, I chose to take mostly the side paths that I had not been on before. These paths were different than the nicely paved main paths from which so many smaller ones diverged. It seems to me that a different level of learning is encountered as we travel new roads to adventures. Nothing can be taken for granted. You have to pay attention. You have to clearly examine the markers at each fork in the path. Sometimes it will seem like you are lost or going the wrong direction. If you have maintained your alertness and paid attention to the markers along the way, you will usually enjoy the experience.

In life the forks in our path are often more challenging than those walks in the park. We may truly feel that we are wandering in the wilderness. How do we make confident choices under these circumstances? The only way I can answer that question is to look at how I have made my choices over the years. Looking back is certainly easier than having to make a decision right now, but a review will most often remind us that we did, in fact, come through those times calling for decisive action. Would we change some of those decisions using hind sight? Maybe. The important thing is that we made a decision. We moved on as best as we could.

A decision most of us will be faced with from time to time is how to respond to the actions or words of another person directed toward us in anger or frustration. At this fork in the road will we choose to have hurt feelings, or will we make a different choice? Is it possible to take a deep breath and accept that the person is frustrated and is trying to release that energy and get through the situation? Even if the intention is to hurt you, it is your choice to feel hurt. Making the choice to not feel hurt is not simply stoicism. It is a conscious response aimed at defusing the situation so that both parties, in calmness of mind can dialogue and move toward resolution.

It doesn’t make any difference which fork in the road you may be facing. Either path will offer a set of experiences from which you can learn and grow. If you have made a practice of paying attention to the markers along the way, each new choice will draw upon the confidence of past choices with which you were satisfied. Or, if you made a choice that did not provide the result you hoped for, you will be able to remember the markers—the side path brambles and thorns—and use that awareness to choose the other path.

Paying attention to the markers is simply a process of being aware. Be conscious in the choices you make. Let your deepest feelings of knowing open your mind and heart so you can more clearly see the potentials in the choices to before you. Most of all, remember that there is a guiding spirit with you and being aware of that is how we are able to know which choice will be most satisfying.

Once again, we look to Yogi Berra for advice: When you come to a fork in the road, take it. Take it with confidence, anticipation and joy!