I am not sure when it happened, but this
morning I became aware that it had.
I am sitting on the sidelines of life. I have become a spectator. I am not even commenting currently on what I
see or sense.
Wow! Never
thought this day would come.
Living alone for over 20 years can cause one
to become introspective and reclusive.
Again, I don’t know exactly when it happened. I just know that it did.
There is no rule that I know of that says you have
to become withdrawn and lonely simply because you are alone. Circumstances are not what make us who we
are or do whatever it is that we do—or don’t do.
What I believe I have come to realize is that I
have allowed myself to respond to circumstances with an increasing degree of skepticism
and frustration over not being able to change things more to my liking.
Then, some days after penning the words above, I
discovered in the words of one of my favorite authors, Mark Nepo, in The
Book of Awakening a kindred spirit.
He told of a poetry reading he was doing in New York City when he
encountered an angry young man that had just witnessed a woman being
mugged. The young man was so angry he
wrote a poem on the spot. Another
person attending the event called out, “Yeah, it sure beats stopping the
mugging.” Mark went on to write:
The story points up, painfully, how living
in our thoughts removes us from the very real journey of being alive. To always analyze and problem solve and
observe and criticize what we encounter turns our brains into heavy
calluses. Rather than opening us deeper
into the mystery of living, the over-trained intellect becomes a buffer from
experience.
Well, those thoughts immediately clicked for
me. For a number of years I have been
observing from the sidelines, analyzing the variety of events that puzzle and
upset many of us. My way of dealing
with the upset was to write critically, often, about those events and the all
too apparent lack of judgment being expressed by others. This process is not living. It is observing. It is judging. Seldom, if ever, will we find satisfaction
in simply observing and criticizing events.
It makes no difference, really, if our judgments are sound. Making a difference comes from what one
does, not what one sees.
Here is where I can tell myself that I have had
many years of actively engaging in life during my careers, first as a minister
and later as an employee of a Fortune 500 company. In both of these careers I found ways to move my observations
into actions that helped change some conditions. The doing of whatever I could brought a sense of
accomplishment and satisfaction.
Unfortunately, following retirement, my doing
was mostly limited to writing about my observations. Of course, I believe my writing was an appropriate way for me to
move beyond simply being discontented with events. Still, as time has proceeded I have been less satisfied that
writing has served a broader useful purpose.
That is why I suddenly had the realization that I had become a
bystander. In some respects I was not
much different from the young man who wrote an angry poem about a woman being
mugged rather that attempting to stop the mugging.
I suppose I am expected to say here that not
everyone should jump into the fray and try to physically set things right. That does not satisfy me in the least. We
have had so many occasions through the years where people just stood by doing
nothing while some tragedy was taking place.
In these days of instant communication, we find so many using their
phones to take pictures of events. I
wonder though how many think to call 911 or rush to the aid of a person in
trouble. Yes, I know, some do.
Finally, my point is that to live we must be
engaged on some level. Each person will
decide for him/herself what he or she can do. Once we have decided how we will be engaged in life, we must do
it. It may even be that whatever you
are doing is already exactly the right thing for you to do. No one can decide for you. Getting beyond analyzing or just thinking
about it does seem to be an important step to take.
Apparently I became a spectator without realizing
it. Now that I see that I will seek to
find ways to be more engaged in living.
I will probably continue to write.
It’s what I do. I will also get
out of myself more and socially engage.
(This is difficult for me, in case you wondered.) Maybe I will take that trip I keep thinking
about (even though I don’t have a particular destination in mind). I encourage you to find your own way to
engage in life here and now. Let’s
enjoy life together!
Sometimes I feel irritated about that. People are more important than that. Whatever happened to actually talking with
someone? Admittedly, I am the worst
offender when it comes to that form of connecting. My telephone usage is usually less than an hour a month, and even
that time is related to “business.”
These Facebook posts of
photos of my newest great granddaughter, Arianna, with her mother, Kristin,
and the group with my other great grandchildren, Izzy and Teddy, with their
mother, Becky, mean the world to me.
